An Update...Finally

Blogs are meant for sharing, journaling, requesting, and updating...I have been doing NONE of that! We are so sorry for the lack of communication and information over the past six months or so. The only excuse I have is that I just did not know what to say. After what we've been through and what has happened I think we needed time to process. We have been through anger and fear and hopelessness, and those just don't seem like things that people want to read about in a blog! 


We have been trying to start our family for over two years and we seem to hit a wall with every attempt. Physically, emotionally, financially...wall, after wall, after wall. My body didn't work the way we thought it would. The adoption system didn't work they way we thought it would. The legal system didn't work the way we thought it would. I think you probably get where I'm going with this...Let me see if I can catch you up on our journey and let you know where we stand today.


If you read the post before this one, you read that our second match was unsuccessful. If ONLY she had just changed her mind! There is, unfortunately, not much to report with that situation. The state of the birth mother's residence DID investigate the crime and DID tell us they were taking the case on as a criminal case. (This is good news for us. If they would not have, we would have had to pursue it civil court and we did not have the funds for something like that.) We have been in contact with the state's attorney periodically but nothing is happening with the speed that we would like it to happen. Outside of the sadness and disappointment that you face with a failed adoption, we were also just so disheartened to be deceived in this way. It felt so ugly. We dealt with the loss in different ways, but anger was one thing we both had in common.  I think with ALL that we have been through, this situation is the one that kept us asking God "why?"...


Financially, this second failed adoption and the way in which it failed, hurt us the most financially. We were upset about the failed adoption and maybe even more upset that we did not have the immediate funds to begin a third adoption attempt. I am not a patient person and all of this waiting is TRYING to say the least. But the thought of having to WAIT in order to even start the process of officially WAITING was devastating to me. But God blessed us with a group of friends that selflessly organized a trivia night to benefit our financial situation. It was amazing!! The money raised that evening gave us the ability to start the process on a third adoption attempt and that alone was a gift. But in all honesty, the night gave us so much more. The event brought us into contact with almost 300 people who donated their time, money, services, and gifts to the function. These acts of kindness, MANY from people we did not even know, did so much in the way of healing our hearts....of reminding us that people are generally good, kind, loving people.  We are so grateful for ALL that that night did for us!


So now, we are....again....waiting. :)  We are working with the same adoption agency. We know, some people are having a hard time understanding this choice. But, in our hearts, we feel the agency was just has deceived by the last birth mother as we were. They care for us and we believe, genuinely want us to have a baby and want to be a part of helping us begin our family. We trust them and believe they are truthful with us in the good and bad times. We have changed our criteria for a match though...we are choosing to wait for a birth mother whose due date is 4-8 weeks from the date of our match with her. (Previously we had been matched at 6 months and at 5 months from the match date). We just feel that emotionally and financially, this is a better decision for us a this time. But....this requires more WAITING. Our agency is making matches right now with birth moms due in October. And as much as we long for that hopeful time and the promise of a baby, 7 months is just too much time for things to go wrong. We believe in prayer and we believe in God's timing. Sometimes it is not always easy...in fact it sometimes feels down right impossible to endure this any longer. But no matter how impossible it seems, we always wake up the next day and do the waiting and hoping and praying some more. 


So...if you are a prayer, we gladly accept all prayers. :) Please pray for mercy for our hearts and finances as we continue on this journey. Please pray for courage and patience, as I know ALL that I have possess comes not from me but from above. And above all else, please continue to pray that God brings to our family the perfect baby for us. 

And so the waiting continues...

Before I begin with the latest news about our adoption journey, I want to take a minute to thank everyone for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words over the last couple of weeks. It has been so encouraging to us that each of you have lifted our names up in prayer in this situation and throughout the entire journey.

We have in the past few days learned that the birthmother has in fact been working with two adoptive families. We being one of them. About a week ago, us and our agency began to feel our birthmother pull away from us, but nievely we thought it might be attributed to her own emotional rollercoaster. As the days played out, we now know the other adoptive family gained custody of the baby. Clearly he is not the Red Fisch we had been waiting for. I'm sure this poses a lot of questions in everyone's minds reading this. Truly we don't have many answers. The timing and series of events that have played out while frustrating and sad, are knowingly some part of a plan that we can not see - God's plan. That is what we choose to believe and focus on during this time.

What are our next steps? We take time to heal. We take time to replenish our savings. :) We decide what we will agree to in the next adoption. Yes, we will try again.

Until the next step...

9.26.11

The due date is tomorrow and the waiting is definitely taking a toll on us. Neither of us has ever felt this kind of anxiety and stress before. We go to sleep with it and wake up with it in the morning. We talk about it over dinner and email about it to each other throughout the day. We try to think about other things and talk about other things...but really. Who are we kidding? There is NOTHING else going on for us right now. I refuse to say this to myself and we never say it to each other...but in this blog I will admit that we want to meet this baby so badly. We want to hold him and see what he looks like. But right now, even as close as the calendar tells us we are, that moment feels so far away.
Status update: We know nothing. :) We know the hospital that we THINK she's going to deliver at. We know that two days ago she was still pregnant. We know that she SAYS she wants to continue with this adoption plan. But that's it. And that's not a lot. I told Carlie yesterday that I think God needs to revamp this whole system that He has going on. It would be a whole lot easier to be faithful if He could just let us know the date and time the baby was coming, then we could relax, be faithful, and breathe a little. Just a little message sent down from above: "Baby boy will be here on September 26, 2011 around 10:30 p.m. You will get the call around 7:00 p.m. that same night."  .... "Ok God. Thanks for letting us know."  I mean, is that so hard??? If only....
So we wait. I know, I know, we've been waiting for almost two years now. But THIS waiting doesn't compare to any other waiting I've ever experienced.
I may not be getting a direct-line message from above, but I sure can send one.... "Lord, I will be faithful. Although at times it is physically painful...my skin feels to tight and my stomach is tied in knots, I will be faithful. But please hear the cry of our hearts."

Am I Tall Enough to Ride?

We are exactly six days from Max's due date. On Friday of last week, our adoption agent, Brenda, told us that she likes to tell adoptive parents that at this point in the adoption journey it is like you are in line for the roller coaster. You've bought your ticket, you've made it to the ride, and now you are just waiting in line. Prior to this, I had told Carlie something similiar. A few days earlier I had said, in a moment of impatience, "Ok...the national anthem has been sung...let's throw the first pitch already!" I liked my analogy better until I spent some time thinking about Brenda's analogy and what it means to me.

Let me start by saying...I hate roller coasters. Hate them. Just the sound of them as I walk through an amusement park- you know that sound...metal on metal as the wheels slowly inch up the track, the exhaust from the engine as it pulls the cars along - raises my blood pressure and makes my stomach turn. Standing in line for a roller coaster would make my stomach turn into knots, my palms start sweating and my head would involuntarily be looking in all directions for some way out of line. And honestly...this just about describes how I'm feeling six days away from this due date. We have had some tense moments in this journey, but nothing really compares to the past few days. If I was in line for a roller coaster, and this close to climbing on board, I would be seriously wishing for more time. In a way, I'm doing the same thing now. What is in front of us could be so many different things...scary things, sad things, overwhelming things or quite possibly the happiest thing to happen in our lives..but the unknown is enough to make me want out of this line and off the ride. 

During those moments in my day when I'm left alone there is not much I can do about the onslaught of thought and worry that is always sitting there, on the sidelines, waiting for its turn. I think I have the normal worries of a soon-to-be first time mother. I worry about how our lives will change and how the relationship that we have built will change. I worry about being a good mom and the mistakes I know I will make. But...on top of all of those "normal" worries...I worry about saying the right things to an adoptive child. I worry about his health since we had no control over his environment in the last nine months. I worry our birth mom will struggle to sign the papers and we will be left fretting in the hospital waiting room. I worry about none of these worries being necessary at all because we will lose him altogether. This line for the roller coaster is taking far too long. Seeing the coaster up ahead, hearing it's moans and groans, knowing that the ride is so close is sometimes too much to handle. I find myself wondering, "Am I tall enough to ride?"

Birth...Day

No matter what we say to you or to each other, I KNOW that we are both wondering when "the" phone call is going to come through. In the middle of the night? On our way to work? During a meeting? The little control freak that resides in all of us is SCREAMING OUT right now because we just don't know and can't do anything about it! I realized this evening that we aren't just wondering about when the phone will ring, we are actually wondering what will be our little boy's birthday. Every year, for the rest of our lives, when his birthday comes around we will remember how we felt right now.

From Katie...

For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. 

It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness. 

Reba McEntire 

I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity.

Billy Joel

Music can change the world because it can change people. 

Bono 

Anyone who knows me at least a little bit well has been on the receiving of this request: "Listen to the words of this song. It says EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now!" Or something along those lines....Music has always been something that heals my heart, lifts my spirits. I can't count the number of times in my life that a song has come on that has been able to express the words and feelings in my heart better than I can. 
As you can imagine, this adoption has created a list of songs that have comforted me, excited me, inspired me, and most have brought me to tears at least once (ok, really? Who am I kidding?!?! MORE than once...).  I want to share this list of songs because even though I've written as candidly and as openly as I know how to....music just seems to express my heart better than I can.
Below is what I would call the soundtrack of the last year.....Listen to these songs. It says EXACTLY what I've been feeling!

"One Step at at Time"

Jordin Sparks

"Healing Begins"

Tenth  Avenue North

"Just Haven't Met You Yet"

Michael Buble

"Here Goes"

Bebo Norman

"Strong Enough"

Michael West

"Lift Me Up"

The Afters

"God of My Everything"

Bebo Norman

"Everlasting God"

Lincoln Brewster

Umm.....

Has anyone realized that we are less than three weeks from the due date? Anyone....? Anyone?

Lessons Learned

Women have been taking maternity leave for decades. When I thought about taking my maternity leave I never thought that that decision would effect people in the way that it has. Let me see if I can explain....My job has always been a major priority in my life. Until I met my husband, it was my #1 priority. Teaching my students was just a part of the job for me. I invest myself in them for the 9 months they are in my room. I invest in their education, socialization, emotional well-being, success, and happiness. Many of you reading this may not believe me. For those of you who know me well, I hope you agree with me. I may not have always been successful with each and every student but I did try. On top of all of this investing I've got going on, there is the actual "job" of teaching. And anyone that works with me will tell you that I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my work. This level of commitment to my job takes time and work. Parents were always pleased with me, students reported that they loved being in my room, and my administrators were always happy with my work. All of this is doable to a person with no children, no health problems, extra time at home, and a pretty low-maintenance hubby. :) But two years ago, it all changed. My health problems began due to bad pregnancies and life at home became pretty stressful for us. I had four surgeries in a ten-month period of time and three of those surgeries created a lot of sadness for us as well. My work suffered. Period. I didn't have the energy for myself let alone for my students. I missed more school in one year than I had missed in my ten year career. Staying organized and on top of things in the manner that I had grown accustomed to was very difficult. The people that were supportive of me at work could be counted on one hand with fingers left over. People who did know what was going on (Granted MANY people did not know, as I had developed a sudden sense of privacy about my personal life.) didn't seem to have the compassion for what I was going through and still expected me to perform at the level that I had performed at before everything started getting crazy in my life. I felt as if no one had any grace for the hard time I was going through. A month or more of struggling and the nine years of a squeaky clean, above average work ethic was forgotten. This is the point where I learned a tough lesson...well, it was tough for me. Work comes second to my family and myself. That seems obvious but for me if took months to accept. I love what I do for a living but I may not be able to keep the status quo that I have created for myself. I have to take care of myself and I have to do what is best for my family.

That means that I am taking three months off of school to take care of our new baby. Yes, that's a lot of time. Yes, my students will have a substitute. Yes, it is likely she will do things a little different than me. Yes, it will be a transition for the students. But more importantly...YES, they will all be ok. I felt so torn between doing what everyone at work wanted me to and doing what I feel is best for my family. I shouldn't have had to feel that way! I work in the business of humans. I don't leave a desk, rolodex and computer behind to gather dust and be right where I left them when I get back. I leave 20 little humans who will grow a little taller, be a little smarter, and know a little more about life when I return. NOTHING will be where I left it when I get back. All I can do is prepare and plan in the best way I know how before I leave. It has truly been a frustrating, confusing, and sometimes hurtful process.


But on the other side of that confusion and hurt, there is a better me. Someone who knows what it is like to work hard at her job but put her family first. Someone who maybe doesn't worry quite so much about what her peers, parents, and administrators think about her. Someone who knows who she can trust and rely on during the hard times. I have to think that that someone has learned a lesson that will help her be an even better mom.

Question and Answer

Question: 
How do you know someone is about to have a baby?

Answer: 
Their trunk looks like this!

Our Top Ten

TEN REASONS YOU MIGHT SEE A SMILE ON OUR FACES

1. Our birthmother has met with her attorney, reviewed her adoption plan, confirmed her hospital plan, discussed her rights, and learned about the legal timeline. After the meeting, attorney told our adoption agent that he feels she is "sincere in going through with this adoption." 
2. We are only 28 days away from the due date.
3. Vacation days are approved, my FMLA paperwork is turned in, and tomorrow night I tell
my classroom parents and students of the upcoming events. (Although, this whole thing just makes me nervous! There has really been mixed reactions from parents with my impending absence and although I realize I have every right to take a maternity leave, I still worry about their reactions to me about this.)
4. Changing table has been put together. Diapers and wipes are stocked up. Clothes are cleaned and sorted in bins.
5. We are only 28 days away from the due date! Did I already mention that?
6. The birthmother is continuing good communication with us and the agency.
7. When asked how she (the birthmother) feels about Carlie and I, she responded by saying "I like them. I know they will give the baby a better life than I can."
8.  We only have 20 more work days until the due date...IF she doesn't go into labor early!
9. Our friends and family are very excited for us and that makes us feel good. :) 
10. Looking at infant Halloween costumes has become one of my favorite pastimes. 

It's a boy!

I'm sure you read that title and thought....we already know that! But I can't tell you the number of times in one day that I think to myself "It's a boy!"  What in the world am I going to do with a boy?!?!?! I can honestly admit that I NEVER picture our RedFisch to be a boy!! Everyone tells me you'll figure it out! and boys are so much easier than girls!  But don't they understand that I AM a girl so I feel like I understood how to be a mom to a little girl.  I know how to fix a girl's hair, I know how to dress a little girl, I know about hurt feelings and fights between little girls, and let's face it....I know about ALL the important parts of a little girl....not a boy! I've never been into sports, I hate hunting, getting dirty and sweaty is not my cup of tea, and I can't help but wander towards the baby girl's clothes EVERY time I go shopping!

I have a good friend who has a son. He is her oldest and sounds like such a cool kid. She tells me stories of his fishing trips and sports games. She talks about how he does in school and uncomfortable stories of being a mother to a son...stories she wouldn't give up for the world. (If you are reading this, Friend, you know who you are!) This young man is a mama's boy and he is wrapped around his Mama's finger. You can see if on her face when she talks about him! I guess that as I think about sticky little hands, hunting trips with dad or grandpa, short hair and parts I'm not so familiar with I will think about my friend and her son. I will hope that someday my son and I will have that same kind of relationship. 

Our Growing "Belly"

The baby is due in 8 weeks and 4 days. Wow. The time is really just flying by. As I chase this puppy around, I have asked myself MORE than a few times, What am I going to do with a five month old puppy and an infant!?!?!?!  I guess I could have worse things to worry about! :)


This week I was able to talk to our adoption agent about the hospital plan that our birth mother has put together. The hospital plan is the plan she writes to let us, the agency, and the lawyers know how she would like things to be handled at the hospital before, during, and after the birth. (As far as we know our first birth mom never even filled this plan out, so this was exciting for us!) The highlights of the plan....birth mom wants us to be notified immediately when she goes into labor, she would like to be notified as soon as we get to the hospital and she wants us to have "unlimited" access to the baby once it is born although she does not want us in the room for the birth. Our adoption agent told us that more than likely we will have our own hospital room on the labor and delivery floor where they will bring him to us so we have a private space to spend time with him. We also now have the name of the hospital where she will give birth. The may not seem like much, but to us...it was an exciting piece of information. We now know exactly where our son will be born. We could look it up online, find hotels nearby, and figure out exactly how much time Google Maps says it will take us to get there. You, humble blog readers, must remember that I don't have a growing belly that reminds us daily of what is about to happen. We don't have showers to go to or a nursery to decorate that keeps the excitement bubbling up inside of us. These little bits of information we get from the adoption agency are the only things we have that spark that excitement and make us think about what is just around the corner. Our growing "belly" looks much, much different than most expecting families but its a journey just the same.

Tick...Tock....Tick...Tock....

I keep saying to Carlie, "I really need to blog something!" But there just isn't much to tell! Things are going fine for now. Communication with birth mom is "light" but consistent, more texting than phone calls but honestly, I think I prefer it that way. We are told she still wants us to come visit for a doctor's appointment but timeliness and scheduling aren't exactly turning out to be her strengths. Carlie and I are not pushing this trip. Of course, we'd LOVE to go and see an ultrasound, meet the doctor who will be delivering Max, and meet birth mom. But if it doesn't work out, that is ok too. We'd just like to know if we need to plan the trip! As we are learning...over and over and over again....we can't always plan everything!!


We are doing well. Our house went back on the market yesterday. We have the perfect little house picked out and I have all of these dreams for the nursery....but the likelihood is that our place is not going to sell. It is so frustrating! Later this year, when we are back with Max and if our townhome still hasn't sold, we plan to rent it out and hope for the best! God's timing has never been my timing and why I think it will coincide this time I don't know! But his time is also always better than mine, so who am I to question any of this!


We may not be able to decorate a nursery yet, but I have been unable to resist buying baby clothes!! I just can't help it! They are so tiny and adorable...and everything can be returned, right?? Right! And I'm not the only one guilty of this. It sounds to me like my mom and sister are just as guilty as I am....it sounds like they have a small closet started for Max already! So...we talk about his arrival, wonder what those first few days will be like, TRY not to buy too many things, and wait. His due date is 10 weeks away and I know it is just going to fly by. School starts soon and that will take up a lot of my time and give me something else to think about! :)

What's In a Name?

We find ourselves wanting to do things differently this time. Go figure. We have his name all picked out and we are ready to share it with the world!....Who's curious!!! We've had a list of on-going name possibilities since we started this lovely journey to parenthood. The girl's name came so easily for us and we agreed on it immediately. The boy's name however....not so much. There were a few names - Cooper, Max, Jackson - that we liked but agreeing on one or the other AND finding a middle name we liked and could agree on was a whole different story! I'm not sure when we agreed on this name or when exactly it became the "it" name. But this name stayed on the list when others didn't. Then...when we had been matched with our RedFisch and knew for certain it was a boy, this name popped up again. Searching through popular names, modern names, classic names, and celebrity names on the internet is a great way to pass the time. I wanted to peruse the many lists and talk, laugh, and make lists of our own names we might like for a boy. But that didn't last long! After reading out loud three or four lists, Carlie said to me, "I really like the name we have picked out." And that was it. The name had been decided. 
Drum roll please.......Max Xavier Fischer is due on September 27, 2011.

When a door closes...

"When God closes a door, somehow he opens a window." That's a quote from The Sound of Music...and very applicable if I do say so myself! WE HAVE BEEN MATCHED AGAIN! This second match beats the unbelievable timing of the first...if you can believe it! Two weeks, yes...I said TWO WEEKS, after the due date of our first match came and went without us getting a baby, we have been matched again. Our Redfisch is due on September 27, 2011 and it is a boy. Carlie and I are very excited, naturally apprehensive, and a bit shocked. What we do know for certain is that God is in control and answering our prayers. THAT...we know for sure.

Details, Details....like I said he is due in about three months. We will be traveling to Kentucky to pick him up. We are very excited that we can plan to drive ourselves this time AND take as much baby stuff and we want too! 

I don't want to sound cliche or lead you to believe that we are delusional about the
ever-present risk that still accompanies the journey of adopting. BUT....this one is very different than the last match. Let me list the differences for you:
1. The birth mother is ten years older than the last birth mother. There is a sense of maturity
    that we get from her that was noticably absent in Birth Mother #1.
2. Our match call with her lasted two hours. We talked about subjects ranging from discipline 
    to names, even details about HER adoption. She was adopted herself.
3. Within days of the match, the birth mother texted us a picture of the most recent
    ultrasound! We were in the car, headed to the farm, and it was SO exciting! The 
    picture was evidence to prove that it's a boy....the picture has been printed, framed
    (Thanks, Christy!) and affectionately nicknamed "His winkie."  

4. When I talk to her, she actually talks to us about the baby. The last phone call, she told me 
     that he moves around a lot when her male friends talk!
5. Due to circumstances that took more time than expected, Birth Mom was working with our                             
    adoption agency for more than three months BEFORE they contacted us. 
    We feel this has given them a good amount of time to get to know her!


   Being matched TWO WEEKS after the loss of our first match was just about as shocking as being matched three weeks after submitting our home study!  We did not expect it and feel so blessed. We stand by what we said in January after the first match. If this is the right baby for our family, then it will work out. God is in control. If it's not, then there is a reason why our names are off the "list" at this time. One day we will look at our little bundle, and feel so certain that EVERYTHING that has happened was just as it was meant to be. We're hoping that moment will be soon...
   

Up and Down, Back and Forth

It’s all just like one big game of tug of war…only not has fun. Let’s see if I can sum up our adoption journey in the last two weeks in a few phrases…maybe off, on, off, maybe off, maybe on, off, maybe on, maybe off. I think I succeeded. That truly can tell you where we are with everything. The baby, whom we used to think of as Redfisch, is due in one week from today. Right now we were supposed to be anticipating a phone call that would change our lives. But instead we are trying to keep our heads up and continue to believe that all will happen as it should. 

Adoption: FAIL....Or maybe not???

This week we have experienced the “not-so-easy” part of the adoption process. I can make a long story short…or a short story long. This blog entry could go either way. For those of you reading, I can answer your curiosity before I even get into the story by saying: We just don’t know what is going to happen.

Exactly 24 hours after our first baby shower (ironic, I know.) I got a call from Brenda, our adoption agent. She told me that the birth mother has been struggling with her decision. She described her as “wobbly”. The conversation lasted about ten minutes but I got two very important, contradicting facts from it. The first was that the birth mother was indecisive enough that the agency had put “a hold” on the adoption plan and cut off the birth mother’s financial support. No money was going out to her, the agency facilitating the adoption in Nevada, attorneys or to our adoption agency. Brenda explained to me and, she told me she’d said the same thing to the birth mother, that if she is unsure if she can give the baby up for adoption she will not spend any more of our money. This sounds pretty serious, huh? But then, Brenda said to me (and I can’t get this statement out of my head!) “I do not believe this is over.” She explained that the birth mother’s own mother was making promises about helping with babysitting and financial support, although she’s an alcoholic and has not been around in years. Brenda said that she believed her mother was filling her head with all sorts of promises she, more than likely considering past patterns, could not keep. She told me that the birth mother was expressing feelings of guilt and remorse for possibly giving up her baby. I asked Brenda if this was common with birth mothers and she answered with an emphatic “Yes.” But….told me that what was NOT common was that our birth mother was voicing her concerns now. Most birthmothers wait until the baby has been adopted and they are leaving the hospital to begin expressing these types of feelings. “Wobbly” seems to be the best word to describe the adoption at this point.

Carlie and I spent two very stressful, angry, hopeful, anxious, tiring days waiting to hear something from Brenda. I found myself Googling “Xanax” one night….the anxiety in my stomach was palpable.

Two days after this first phone call, we heard back from Brenda. She spoke with the birthmom and told us that if she went into labor today she didn’t think she would be able to give up the baby. Her “wobbly” status had not “wobbled” in our favor. Even after this statement, Brenda was straddling the fence. She told us that we had a decision to make. Wait out the next four weeks and see what happens…she genuinely felt like this still wasn’t over. That the birthmom was going to be faced with a lot of bills that she could not pay and life would again not seem as cushy as it does right now. She also has been trying to get a hold of her sister. The birthmom’s sister has given up two children for adoption and Brenda felt that if she could get a hold of her sister that could help the situation as well.  Our second option was to terminate the match. We could initiate the refund process and when our refund was complete we could be put back on “the list” for another match. Fortunately, Carlie and I saw eye to eye on this. We felt like we had made a commitment to this baby and we were going to see through that commitment until it was entirely out of our hands. We also felt like it was wrong to bail on the adoption at the first sign of trouble. These adoptions can never be easy and this back and forth stuff has to be typical of an adoptive situation.

But then Brenda answered a question of mine that changed things for us. She kept saying “the adoption is on hold.” I asked, “Is it on hold, or is it really just off at this point?” She responded by saying, “It’s really the same thing.”  So, the adoption…at this point…was off.

I was a little shaken. I had to leave school early. I wasn’t distraught but was unsure how it was going to hit me and being at school was not the place I needed to be. I found, for the most part, that I was just very disappointed. I didn’t feel too sad because this didn’t mean the end to Carlie and I having a family. It just meant the end to this match.  So we emailed Brenda with some questions about the refund process. Today she emailed us back and her response resulted in me calling her this afternoon. She answered and I told her that we were ready to begin the refund process so we could get back on “the list.” But instead of saying “ok” and beginning to explain that process, she told me she had some news.  (This is where I’m going to make a long story short.) The gist of her news was that our birth mother’s landlord had contacted our agency’s on-call agent last night furious with our birth mother. She has apparently violated many ordinances in her complex multiple times resulting in a fine that must be paid in three days. If the fine is not paid, they will begin a five-day eviction process. So, our pregnant birth mother and her two children are about to be evicted. Brenda feels that this might just be a game changer. She wants us to wait at least another week and see where everything stands. She doesn’t want us to start the refund process yet. So….the “wobbling” begins again.

We are not sure where this all stands. Right now, it’s all just up in the air. Carlie and I feel pretty certain that we are going to be “wobbling” for the next 3 ½ weeks until the baby is born. Who knows what will happen? I am certain God does and I’m trying to find comfort in that.

Showered with Nerves

On April 12^th my team at work threw my first baby shower. There were so many nice things about it…thoughtful, adorable gifts, coworkers genuinely excited for us, good punch, cute polka dotted cake, and no games…all the makings of a PERFECT shower. Carlie came to the shower and so did my mom, sister, and niece. I enjoyed myself and felt very blessed for the number of people who came and wished us all the happiness we deserve. But, I, of course, was very anxious about it. For so many reasons…

First, I do not like being the center of attention. I always feel awkward and not entirely sure where to stand or who to talk to or how to act. This kind of stuff comes easily for some (like my husband!) but for me it is just uncomfortable. And then you go and throw in opening gifts in front of all those people and well, it sets my anxiety level on overdrive.

Secondly, and probably the most prominent reason for the anxiety over the shower, we do not have the baby yet. There is no guarantee we will have the baby. Having a shower for a baby who is not even here yet and for a mother-to-be who may not be a mother yet seemed inappropriate…is that the right word???  Carlie and I have spent four months preparing logically for this baby’s possible arrival and have tried to do our best to remain “cautiously excited”.  Attending a baby shower seemed like the exact opposite of what we were trying to accomplish. The night before the shower, I really started to get anxious. I was terribly uneasy inside and honestly, dreading it all just a bit. Carlie looked over at me at one point in the evening and said, “What do you think the problem is?” and in response, after thinking about it for a minute, I said, “This shower goes against everything I have attempted to keep away from me.” I told him that I felt like once that excitement crept in, as I was sure it would do at the shower, I didn’t think I’d be able to squash it again. And if you don’t understand, just accept that keeping excitement about a new baby at bay is extremely difficult and requires a lot of self-discipline.

In the end, the shower was very nice….but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was glad when it was over. I am so blessed to work with such caring, thoughtful people. For so many months now it has often felt like the only thing people felt for us was pity. “We’re so sorry this happened to you.”  “I will be praying for you.”  “I hope you are doing alright.” The one thing that I LOVED about this shower was how excited people were for us. For smiles instead of sad eyes, for happy hugs instead of “how are you?” hugs. To me, THAT was the best part of the shower.

Words Are Difficult, Part 2

Part of this adoption plan is weekly communication between us and the birthmother. We were told from the beginning that this kind of communication would be primarily between me (Katie) and the birthmother. “Mother to Mother” was what the adoption agent told me.  And it may be the most difficult part about the last few months.  It’s not difficult as in “hard”…it’s more like difficult as in “something I’ve never done before and I don’t have any guidance or idea of how to handle it.”  We began with the plan to talk once a week. It was understood that I would make the first few calls. The calls were … again….”difficult”. It’s hard to know what to say. It’s hard to know what to ask. It’s hard to have a conversation when you don’t know what to say or what to ask! She always answered my calls. Sometimes had to call me right back, but always did. In the beginning, she answered my questions with little detail and never asked a question of her own. About a month into the phone calls, she FINALLY asked me a question. She said “So, how is your week going?” Now…that may not seem like much to you, but I was so excited that she might be getting to the point of comfort with me!

Unfortunately, that was the first and last question she asked me. By the beginning of March, communication was coming to a standstill. With the advice from our adoption agent, I began using text-only to talk with her. That went ok for a while, now she doesn’t even respond to those. And that’s ok. 

It’s hard for me to put into words this “relationship”.  It is not something that I feel I need or necessarily want for myself. In the beginning, there were two motivating factors for me to work at something this “difficult”. The first was our baby. One day, this baby will be a big girl and might just want to know about her birthmother. It will be invaluable to us to be able to tell our big girl about her birthmother and about how I got to talk to her and hear her voice.  The second motivating factor was our birthmother’s possible desire or need to get to know us and feel as comfortable as possible with us. Unfortunately, I do not feel I’ve accomplished either of those two things. I will be able to tell our child that I spoke with her biological mother and learned a little about her, but I didn’t form the relationship that I had envisioned we would. It’s hard for me to imagine that our conversations taught her anything about us. We rarely got past weekend plans or the weather. I know I should not assume what she needed or wanted and what seems logical to me may not be logical to her.  It’s hard for me to understand.

The birthmother has begun her meetings with the adoption agency that will facilitate the adoption after birth. She is now being faced with the realities of her decision, and I can’t begin to imagine how that feels. There is a part of me that thinks talking to me now only reminds her that she will soon give up her baby to me. It’s easy to see how communicating with me would be hard.

So…I’ve updated our adoption agent on the lack of response and will do what she thinks is best from here on out. She told us the other night, she does not think the birthmom will want to see us or spend time with us at the hospital. That’s hard for me to understand too.

Words Are Difficult

I haven’t posted in quite a while. No…I haven’t been busy. Things haven’t been uneventful. In fact, quite the opposite. We’ve been very busy with the ins and outs of “everyday life” and things have been steadily progressing with the adoption. I haven’t posted because finding the words to describe what the past few months have been like is difficult for me. It’s difficult to describe in conversation and felt next to impossible to describe in words. But, I find myself wanting to try.

Let’s start with how two people mentally and emotionally prepare for an adoption. In our hearts, we are so looking forward to being parents and to meeting this little one. We can’t wait to see what she looks like…what color hair she has…her tiny fingers and toes. We can’t wait to bring her home and introduce her to our families. We can’t wait to hold her and snuggle her when she cries. But…just on the edge of that excitement, just at the tip of that anxiousness, just as we begin to smile from ear to ear and buy paint for the nursery…we remember that this adoption is not a 100% sure thing. We remember that it MIGHT not happen. We remember that the birth mom MIGHT change her mind in the hospital at the last minute. I know that puts a damper on all of it and that is not why I bring it up. These things are a reality for us and we can’t walk blindly through this process pretending it’s not a possibility. We have spent the last two months preparing logically for this adoption…maybe a little emotional preparedness on my part…but mainly logically. Buying only what we will need….well, mostly just what we need! (I might have gone a little crazy at Pottery Barn Kids one day…but we’ll leave that story alone for now. )  People say to us all the time, “Aren’t you just so excited?!?!” or “I bet you are just counting down the days!” Honestly, it is our least favorite question. It’s hard for us to answer. Mostly we just nod our heads, smile really big, and say “Yes, yes we are.”  But, what we really want to say is this, “Right now, we are just taking it one day at a time. We have travel plans to make, four hotels to choose from, and rental car reservations to confirm. We are trying to get through our weekly communication with the birth mom. And now, the adoption attorney has contacted us and we are working to get through our meetings with him. We are cautiously excited and optimistic that the adoption plan will be carried out as planned. We know we will be very excited when we take her home from the hospital.”  But you see…this answer would take far too long and probably be hard for most people to understand. It never feels like this is what people want to hear.  

 The baby is due in nine weeks. Nine weeks. We can hardly believe it.  Due to the above mentioned realities of an adoption, we really don’t talk about what life will be like after we bring the baby home.  I have started thinking in recent weeks, that if we were having our own child biologically in nine weeks there would be me A LOT more conversation about how life is about to change. Although I fully understand why we’ve refrained from conversations up until now, I expressed to Carlie last night that maybe, just maybe it was time to start talking about life with a baby. We both agreed and we talked about how it is probably a good thing….to talk about it. And that was all we talked about. :) We sit here together and laugh about it now…but man, we won’t be laughing in nine weeks!