Our Growing "Belly"

The baby is due in 8 weeks and 4 days. Wow. The time is really just flying by. As I chase this puppy around, I have asked myself MORE than a few times, What am I going to do with a five month old puppy and an infant!?!?!?!  I guess I could have worse things to worry about! :)


This week I was able to talk to our adoption agent about the hospital plan that our birth mother has put together. The hospital plan is the plan she writes to let us, the agency, and the lawyers know how she would like things to be handled at the hospital before, during, and after the birth. (As far as we know our first birth mom never even filled this plan out, so this was exciting for us!) The highlights of the plan....birth mom wants us to be notified immediately when she goes into labor, she would like to be notified as soon as we get to the hospital and she wants us to have "unlimited" access to the baby once it is born although she does not want us in the room for the birth. Our adoption agent told us that more than likely we will have our own hospital room on the labor and delivery floor where they will bring him to us so we have a private space to spend time with him. We also now have the name of the hospital where she will give birth. The may not seem like much, but to us...it was an exciting piece of information. We now know exactly where our son will be born. We could look it up online, find hotels nearby, and figure out exactly how much time Google Maps says it will take us to get there. You, humble blog readers, must remember that I don't have a growing belly that reminds us daily of what is about to happen. We don't have showers to go to or a nursery to decorate that keeps the excitement bubbling up inside of us. These little bits of information we get from the adoption agency are the only things we have that spark that excitement and make us think about what is just around the corner. Our growing "belly" looks much, much different than most expecting families but its a journey just the same.

Tick...Tock....Tick...Tock....

I keep saying to Carlie, "I really need to blog something!" But there just isn't much to tell! Things are going fine for now. Communication with birth mom is "light" but consistent, more texting than phone calls but honestly, I think I prefer it that way. We are told she still wants us to come visit for a doctor's appointment but timeliness and scheduling aren't exactly turning out to be her strengths. Carlie and I are not pushing this trip. Of course, we'd LOVE to go and see an ultrasound, meet the doctor who will be delivering Max, and meet birth mom. But if it doesn't work out, that is ok too. We'd just like to know if we need to plan the trip! As we are learning...over and over and over again....we can't always plan everything!!


We are doing well. Our house went back on the market yesterday. We have the perfect little house picked out and I have all of these dreams for the nursery....but the likelihood is that our place is not going to sell. It is so frustrating! Later this year, when we are back with Max and if our townhome still hasn't sold, we plan to rent it out and hope for the best! God's timing has never been my timing and why I think it will coincide this time I don't know! But his time is also always better than mine, so who am I to question any of this!


We may not be able to decorate a nursery yet, but I have been unable to resist buying baby clothes!! I just can't help it! They are so tiny and adorable...and everything can be returned, right?? Right! And I'm not the only one guilty of this. It sounds to me like my mom and sister are just as guilty as I am....it sounds like they have a small closet started for Max already! So...we talk about his arrival, wonder what those first few days will be like, TRY not to buy too many things, and wait. His due date is 10 weeks away and I know it is just going to fly by. School starts soon and that will take up a lot of my time and give me something else to think about! :)

What's In a Name?

We find ourselves wanting to do things differently this time. Go figure. We have his name all picked out and we are ready to share it with the world!....Who's curious!!! We've had a list of on-going name possibilities since we started this lovely journey to parenthood. The girl's name came so easily for us and we agreed on it immediately. The boy's name however....not so much. There were a few names - Cooper, Max, Jackson - that we liked but agreeing on one or the other AND finding a middle name we liked and could agree on was a whole different story! I'm not sure when we agreed on this name or when exactly it became the "it" name. But this name stayed on the list when others didn't. Then...when we had been matched with our RedFisch and knew for certain it was a boy, this name popped up again. Searching through popular names, modern names, classic names, and celebrity names on the internet is a great way to pass the time. I wanted to peruse the many lists and talk, laugh, and make lists of our own names we might like for a boy. But that didn't last long! After reading out loud three or four lists, Carlie said to me, "I really like the name we have picked out." And that was it. The name had been decided. 
Drum roll please.......Max Xavier Fischer is due on September 27, 2011.

When a door closes...

"When God closes a door, somehow he opens a window." That's a quote from The Sound of Music...and very applicable if I do say so myself! WE HAVE BEEN MATCHED AGAIN! This second match beats the unbelievable timing of the first...if you can believe it! Two weeks, yes...I said TWO WEEKS, after the due date of our first match came and went without us getting a baby, we have been matched again. Our Redfisch is due on September 27, 2011 and it is a boy. Carlie and I are very excited, naturally apprehensive, and a bit shocked. What we do know for certain is that God is in control and answering our prayers. THAT...we know for sure.

Details, Details....like I said he is due in about three months. We will be traveling to Kentucky to pick him up. We are very excited that we can plan to drive ourselves this time AND take as much baby stuff and we want too! 

I don't want to sound cliche or lead you to believe that we are delusional about the
ever-present risk that still accompanies the journey of adopting. BUT....this one is very different than the last match. Let me list the differences for you:
1. The birth mother is ten years older than the last birth mother. There is a sense of maturity
    that we get from her that was noticably absent in Birth Mother #1.
2. Our match call with her lasted two hours. We talked about subjects ranging from discipline 
    to names, even details about HER adoption. She was adopted herself.
3. Within days of the match, the birth mother texted us a picture of the most recent
    ultrasound! We were in the car, headed to the farm, and it was SO exciting! The 
    picture was evidence to prove that it's a boy....the picture has been printed, framed
    (Thanks, Christy!) and affectionately nicknamed "His winkie."  

4. When I talk to her, she actually talks to us about the baby. The last phone call, she told me 
     that he moves around a lot when her male friends talk!
5. Due to circumstances that took more time than expected, Birth Mom was working with our                             
    adoption agency for more than three months BEFORE they contacted us. 
    We feel this has given them a good amount of time to get to know her!


   Being matched TWO WEEKS after the loss of our first match was just about as shocking as being matched three weeks after submitting our home study!  We did not expect it and feel so blessed. We stand by what we said in January after the first match. If this is the right baby for our family, then it will work out. God is in control. If it's not, then there is a reason why our names are off the "list" at this time. One day we will look at our little bundle, and feel so certain that EVERYTHING that has happened was just as it was meant to be. We're hoping that moment will be soon...
   

Up and Down, Back and Forth

It’s all just like one big game of tug of war…only not has fun. Let’s see if I can sum up our adoption journey in the last two weeks in a few phrases…maybe off, on, off, maybe off, maybe on, off, maybe on, maybe off. I think I succeeded. That truly can tell you where we are with everything. The baby, whom we used to think of as Redfisch, is due in one week from today. Right now we were supposed to be anticipating a phone call that would change our lives. But instead we are trying to keep our heads up and continue to believe that all will happen as it should. 

Adoption: FAIL....Or maybe not???

This week we have experienced the “not-so-easy” part of the adoption process. I can make a long story short…or a short story long. This blog entry could go either way. For those of you reading, I can answer your curiosity before I even get into the story by saying: We just don’t know what is going to happen.

Exactly 24 hours after our first baby shower (ironic, I know.) I got a call from Brenda, our adoption agent. She told me that the birth mother has been struggling with her decision. She described her as “wobbly”. The conversation lasted about ten minutes but I got two very important, contradicting facts from it. The first was that the birth mother was indecisive enough that the agency had put “a hold” on the adoption plan and cut off the birth mother’s financial support. No money was going out to her, the agency facilitating the adoption in Nevada, attorneys or to our adoption agency. Brenda explained to me and, she told me she’d said the same thing to the birth mother, that if she is unsure if she can give the baby up for adoption she will not spend any more of our money. This sounds pretty serious, huh? But then, Brenda said to me (and I can’t get this statement out of my head!) “I do not believe this is over.” She explained that the birth mother’s own mother was making promises about helping with babysitting and financial support, although she’s an alcoholic and has not been around in years. Brenda said that she believed her mother was filling her head with all sorts of promises she, more than likely considering past patterns, could not keep. She told me that the birth mother was expressing feelings of guilt and remorse for possibly giving up her baby. I asked Brenda if this was common with birth mothers and she answered with an emphatic “Yes.” But….told me that what was NOT common was that our birth mother was voicing her concerns now. Most birthmothers wait until the baby has been adopted and they are leaving the hospital to begin expressing these types of feelings. “Wobbly” seems to be the best word to describe the adoption at this point.

Carlie and I spent two very stressful, angry, hopeful, anxious, tiring days waiting to hear something from Brenda. I found myself Googling “Xanax” one night….the anxiety in my stomach was palpable.

Two days after this first phone call, we heard back from Brenda. She spoke with the birthmom and told us that if she went into labor today she didn’t think she would be able to give up the baby. Her “wobbly” status had not “wobbled” in our favor. Even after this statement, Brenda was straddling the fence. She told us that we had a decision to make. Wait out the next four weeks and see what happens…she genuinely felt like this still wasn’t over. That the birthmom was going to be faced with a lot of bills that she could not pay and life would again not seem as cushy as it does right now. She also has been trying to get a hold of her sister. The birthmom’s sister has given up two children for adoption and Brenda felt that if she could get a hold of her sister that could help the situation as well.  Our second option was to terminate the match. We could initiate the refund process and when our refund was complete we could be put back on “the list” for another match. Fortunately, Carlie and I saw eye to eye on this. We felt like we had made a commitment to this baby and we were going to see through that commitment until it was entirely out of our hands. We also felt like it was wrong to bail on the adoption at the first sign of trouble. These adoptions can never be easy and this back and forth stuff has to be typical of an adoptive situation.

But then Brenda answered a question of mine that changed things for us. She kept saying “the adoption is on hold.” I asked, “Is it on hold, or is it really just off at this point?” She responded by saying, “It’s really the same thing.”  So, the adoption…at this point…was off.

I was a little shaken. I had to leave school early. I wasn’t distraught but was unsure how it was going to hit me and being at school was not the place I needed to be. I found, for the most part, that I was just very disappointed. I didn’t feel too sad because this didn’t mean the end to Carlie and I having a family. It just meant the end to this match.  So we emailed Brenda with some questions about the refund process. Today she emailed us back and her response resulted in me calling her this afternoon. She answered and I told her that we were ready to begin the refund process so we could get back on “the list.” But instead of saying “ok” and beginning to explain that process, she told me she had some news.  (This is where I’m going to make a long story short.) The gist of her news was that our birth mother’s landlord had contacted our agency’s on-call agent last night furious with our birth mother. She has apparently violated many ordinances in her complex multiple times resulting in a fine that must be paid in three days. If the fine is not paid, they will begin a five-day eviction process. So, our pregnant birth mother and her two children are about to be evicted. Brenda feels that this might just be a game changer. She wants us to wait at least another week and see where everything stands. She doesn’t want us to start the refund process yet. So….the “wobbling” begins again.

We are not sure where this all stands. Right now, it’s all just up in the air. Carlie and I feel pretty certain that we are going to be “wobbling” for the next 3 ½ weeks until the baby is born. Who knows what will happen? I am certain God does and I’m trying to find comfort in that.

Showered with Nerves

On April 12^th my team at work threw my first baby shower. There were so many nice things about it…thoughtful, adorable gifts, coworkers genuinely excited for us, good punch, cute polka dotted cake, and no games…all the makings of a PERFECT shower. Carlie came to the shower and so did my mom, sister, and niece. I enjoyed myself and felt very blessed for the number of people who came and wished us all the happiness we deserve. But, I, of course, was very anxious about it. For so many reasons…

First, I do not like being the center of attention. I always feel awkward and not entirely sure where to stand or who to talk to or how to act. This kind of stuff comes easily for some (like my husband!) but for me it is just uncomfortable. And then you go and throw in opening gifts in front of all those people and well, it sets my anxiety level on overdrive.

Secondly, and probably the most prominent reason for the anxiety over the shower, we do not have the baby yet. There is no guarantee we will have the baby. Having a shower for a baby who is not even here yet and for a mother-to-be who may not be a mother yet seemed inappropriate…is that the right word???  Carlie and I have spent four months preparing logically for this baby’s possible arrival and have tried to do our best to remain “cautiously excited”.  Attending a baby shower seemed like the exact opposite of what we were trying to accomplish. The night before the shower, I really started to get anxious. I was terribly uneasy inside and honestly, dreading it all just a bit. Carlie looked over at me at one point in the evening and said, “What do you think the problem is?” and in response, after thinking about it for a minute, I said, “This shower goes against everything I have attempted to keep away from me.” I told him that I felt like once that excitement crept in, as I was sure it would do at the shower, I didn’t think I’d be able to squash it again. And if you don’t understand, just accept that keeping excitement about a new baby at bay is extremely difficult and requires a lot of self-discipline.

In the end, the shower was very nice….but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was glad when it was over. I am so blessed to work with such caring, thoughtful people. For so many months now it has often felt like the only thing people felt for us was pity. “We’re so sorry this happened to you.”  “I will be praying for you.”  “I hope you are doing alright.” The one thing that I LOVED about this shower was how excited people were for us. For smiles instead of sad eyes, for happy hugs instead of “how are you?” hugs. To me, THAT was the best part of the shower.