This week we have experienced the “not-so-easy” part of the adoption process. I can make a long story short…or a short story long. This blog entry could go either way. For those of you reading, I can answer your curiosity before I even get into the story by saying: We just don’t know what is going to happen.
Exactly 24 hours after our first baby shower (ironic, I know.) I got a call from Brenda, our adoption agent. She told me that the birth mother has been struggling with her decision. She described her as “wobbly”. The conversation lasted about ten minutes but I got two very important, contradicting facts from it. The first was that the birth mother was indecisive enough that the agency had put “a hold” on the adoption plan and cut off the birth mother’s financial support. No money was going out to her, the agency facilitating the adoption in Nevada, attorneys or to our adoption agency. Brenda explained to me and, she told me she’d said the same thing to the birth mother, that if she is unsure if she can give the baby up for adoption she will not spend any more of our money. This sounds pretty serious, huh? But then, Brenda said to me (and I can’t get this statement out of my head!) “I do not believe this is over.” She explained that the birth mother’s own mother was making promises about helping with babysitting and financial support, although she’s an alcoholic and has not been around in years. Brenda said that she believed her mother was filling her head with all sorts of promises she, more than likely considering past patterns, could not keep. She told me that the birth mother was expressing feelings of guilt and remorse for possibly giving up her baby. I asked Brenda if this was common with birth mothers and she answered with an emphatic “Yes.” But….told me that what was NOT common was that our birth mother was voicing her concerns now. Most birthmothers wait until the baby has been adopted and they are leaving the hospital to begin expressing these types of feelings. “Wobbly” seems to be the best word to describe the adoption at this point.
Carlie and I spent two very stressful, angry, hopeful, anxious, tiring days waiting to hear something from Brenda. I found myself Googling “Xanax” one night….the anxiety in my stomach was palpable.
Two days after this first phone call, we heard back from Brenda. She spoke with the birthmom and told us that if she went into labor today she didn’t think she would be able to give up the baby. Her “wobbly” status had not “wobbled” in our favor. Even after this statement, Brenda was straddling the fence. She told us that we had a decision to make. Wait out the next four weeks and see what happens…she genuinely felt like this still wasn’t over. That the birthmom was going to be faced with a lot of bills that she could not pay and life would again not seem as cushy as it does right now. She also has been trying to get a hold of her sister. The birthmom’s sister has given up two children for adoption and Brenda felt that if she could get a hold of her sister that could help the situation as well. Our second option was to terminate the match. We could initiate the refund process and when our refund was complete we could be put back on “the list” for another match. Fortunately, Carlie and I saw eye to eye on this. We felt like we had made a commitment to this baby and we were going to see through that commitment until it was entirely out of our hands. We also felt like it was wrong to bail on the adoption at the first sign of trouble. These adoptions can never be easy and this back and forth stuff has to be typical of an adoptive situation.
But then Brenda answered a question of mine that changed things for us. She kept saying “the adoption is on hold.” I asked, “Is it on hold, or is it really just off at this point?” She responded by saying, “It’s really the same thing.” So, the adoption…at this point…was off.
I was a little shaken. I had to leave school early. I wasn’t distraught but was unsure how it was going to hit me and being at school was not the place I needed to be. I found, for the most part, that I was just very disappointed. I didn’t feel too sad because this didn’t mean the end to Carlie and I having a family. It just meant the end to this match. So we emailed Brenda with some questions about the refund process. Today she emailed us back and her response resulted in me calling her this afternoon. She answered and I told her that we were ready to begin the refund process so we could get back on “the list.” But instead of saying “ok” and beginning to explain that process, she told me she had some news. (This is where I’m going to make a long story short.) The gist of her news was that our birth mother’s landlord had contacted our agency’s on-call agent last night furious with our birth mother. She has apparently violated many ordinances in her complex multiple times resulting in a fine that must be paid in three days. If the fine is not paid, they will begin a five-day eviction process. So, our pregnant birth mother and her two children are about to be evicted. Brenda feels that this might just be a game changer. She wants us to wait at least another week and see where everything stands. She doesn’t want us to start the refund process yet. So….the “wobbling” begins again.
We are not sure where this all stands. Right now, it’s all just up in the air. Carlie and I feel pretty certain that we are going to be “wobbling” for the next 3 ½ weeks until the baby is born. Who knows what will happen? I am certain God does and I’m trying to find comfort in that.
