Showered with Nerves

On April 12^th my team at work threw my first baby shower. There were so many nice things about it…thoughtful, adorable gifts, coworkers genuinely excited for us, good punch, cute polka dotted cake, and no games…all the makings of a PERFECT shower. Carlie came to the shower and so did my mom, sister, and niece. I enjoyed myself and felt very blessed for the number of people who came and wished us all the happiness we deserve. But, I, of course, was very anxious about it. For so many reasons…

First, I do not like being the center of attention. I always feel awkward and not entirely sure where to stand or who to talk to or how to act. This kind of stuff comes easily for some (like my husband!) but for me it is just uncomfortable. And then you go and throw in opening gifts in front of all those people and well, it sets my anxiety level on overdrive.

Secondly, and probably the most prominent reason for the anxiety over the shower, we do not have the baby yet. There is no guarantee we will have the baby. Having a shower for a baby who is not even here yet and for a mother-to-be who may not be a mother yet seemed inappropriate…is that the right word???  Carlie and I have spent four months preparing logically for this baby’s possible arrival and have tried to do our best to remain “cautiously excited”.  Attending a baby shower seemed like the exact opposite of what we were trying to accomplish. The night before the shower, I really started to get anxious. I was terribly uneasy inside and honestly, dreading it all just a bit. Carlie looked over at me at one point in the evening and said, “What do you think the problem is?” and in response, after thinking about it for a minute, I said, “This shower goes against everything I have attempted to keep away from me.” I told him that I felt like once that excitement crept in, as I was sure it would do at the shower, I didn’t think I’d be able to squash it again. And if you don’t understand, just accept that keeping excitement about a new baby at bay is extremely difficult and requires a lot of self-discipline.

In the end, the shower was very nice….but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was glad when it was over. I am so blessed to work with such caring, thoughtful people. For so many months now it has often felt like the only thing people felt for us was pity. “We’re so sorry this happened to you.”  “I will be praying for you.”  “I hope you are doing alright.” The one thing that I LOVED about this shower was how excited people were for us. For smiles instead of sad eyes, for happy hugs instead of “how are you?” hugs. To me, THAT was the best part of the shower.