Adoption Celebration

November is National Adoption Month. Last night Grace United Methodist church was holding an Adoption Celebration along with One Heart Ministries. We were invited to go by my parent's friends who are also in the process of adoption. We went to dinner first and then to the celebration. (Don't we always go out to dinner first?!?!? ;) For the record, we ate at Mi Ranchito off Olive Blvd.  ) I don't think Carlie and I knew exactly what to expect. I think we both have a desire to meet and socialize with people going through the same process as we are and this was really a great opportunity for us to experience this. 


The evening was enjoyable, but not what I had expected. It was a worship service to celebrate the process of adopting children...loving a child in need of a forever family. There was a couple that spoke about their international adoption, a single woman who spoke about her adoption through the foster care system, and a mother of a teenager who, along with her husband, were just starting their adoption process and were planning to go through the foster care system also. I really enjoyed listening to their stories and wished they had had more time to speak and that there had been more speakers to listen too. We noticed immediately that most of the people there were adopting through the state of Missouri, which is a very different process than what we are embarking on. We spoke quietly to each other about this before the service even began but we made a concerted effort to keep an open mind.  Although I DID notice this difference throughout the service, I also noticed one similarity...as I listened to the speakers and watched the families around me it was obvious that we may be adopting in a different way but we were adopting for the same reason that everyone else there had. They wanted to love a child and have a family. And so do we.


Last week Carlie and I were visiting my Aunt Patty. We were talking with her about the blog and about what we've been going through lately with all of the adoption stuff and she said something that has stuck with Carlie and me. (She doesn't even know this unless she's reading this right now!) We were telling her about the paperwork, phone calls, home visits, and decision making and she said "This is your labor. What you are going through right now is your labor." She was saying that we may not have monthly doctor visits or 15 hours of contractions but all of this "stuff" is our labor for our baby. We liked that and think it is a TERRIFIC way to look at this journey.  I feel like this Adoption Celebration, and other events we may attend like it, are an important part to our "adoption labor". I hope that we can find some that focus on private adoptions or at least present us with the opportunity to hear some stories of families that adopted privately, without the assistance from the state. 

Home Visit

We had our home visit today.  It was much more low-key than I had anticipated! Dr. Heller arrived around 8:15 a.m. and took a tour of our house. Carlie and I are well aware that a house with more than one lofted master bedroom would be better for a baby (hence, why we are trying to sell it!) and I think we were both a little nervous that she might feel the same way. But we were wrong! Dr. Heller really seemed to like our place. She went on and on about how clean it was (Really? Do people let her visit when their homes are anything BUT clean!?!?!), called it “homey”, and loved our four big windows in our bedroom.  At one point, Carlie asked her how we would handle the home study document if we did sell our place and buy a new home before the adoption was complete. In the midst of answering his question, she mentioned that if we lived in a big city, we would probably be living in an apartment and our place is just like that. I had never thought of it that way…and it made me feel a little better!

 Can I just brag on my dog for minute? She did SOOO good! Dr. Heller not only arrived in all black (hello! I have a GOLDEN RETRIEVER! She is a hair shedding machine!) but also told us she is allergic to dogs. My first thought was “oh, no!”.  But she wanted to pet Macy and say Hello to her. After she did I told Macy to go upstairs and get in her bed…and she did without hesitation! She stayed in her bed or at the top of the stairs the entire time Dr. Heller was here. Of course, at one point she peeked at us over the loft…but that was just cute!  She thumped her tail most of the time on the floor, which Dr. Heller found endearing, but other than that it would have been easy to forget she was even here. Dr. Heller commented on her sweet nature, how cute she is, and how she knows she will be so good with a baby. I couldn’t agree more! I told Dr. Heller that I secretly hoped that one day Macy would be the kind of dog that sleeps under out baby’s crib at night, protecting him.

After the tour, the three of us sat down at the table to go over the paperwork. She looked through it all quickly, only glancing at most pages, sometimes reading some. It was all so informal. She told us that they would begin compiling the information on Monday of next week and would call us if they had any questions.   We sat and talked for about thirty minutes. Carlie and I had some questions to ask her in regards to our application for the adoption agency, but we also just talked with her about the books I’ve been reading and other adoption related “stuff”. She told us that just last week she was presented with a Caucasian birth mother and (this is in her words) “if I hadn’t found out she was on meth, I would have called you guys.” What?!?! How crazy is that? I mean, I realize we don’t want a baby born addicted to meth, and thank goodness for Dr. Heller and her discernment…but…she could have called us last week?!?!? Wow. It was kind of glimpse into just how quickly this could happen for us. She started telling us about cute boutique type baby stores around town that we should go to. I kind of told her that we didn’t want to jump in too quickly, that being in stores like that might make us (me) a little TOO excited, when I feel like we need to be cautiously optimistic at this point. But, Dr. Heller said “Well, you are going to adopt a baby. That is going to happen eventually.” Wow! That was so encouraging! And she’s right. We don’t know when but do know that it WILL happen.

So, the home visit is complete. There is nothing more we can do except mail off the application and completed home study document when Dr. Heller completes and notarizes it. She thinks she will be done right before or right after Thanksgiving. Carlie and I are planning to mail off the application as soon as we get the home study and then plan to drive to Iowa to meet with the adoption agent that we have been working with. We are one step away from just sitting back and waiting for the phone call. I can’t imagine what that will feel like to hear the phone ring and get “the call”….

Home Visit Approaching

We have our home visit on Tuesday morning and we are very excited! Dr. Heller is visiting our home at 8:00 a.m. She’s coming to get all of the paperwork that we have labored to put together and to check things out. I’m excited to show her our home and hope that she will be pleased with what she sees. I bought a new coffee maker yesterday, baked pumpkin bread today, and boiled some spiced apple cider. I want to be sure Dr. Heller feels at home when she arrives. Yesterday, Carlie installed a few extra smoke alarms (and we won’t mention the one in the kitchen!), we placed fire extinguishers on each floor of the house, Macy was groomed, and cleaning is on the agenda for tomorrow. This is the last step in the home study process. It will take Dr. Heller a few weeks to type up and notarize the home study document then, we will be able to finally submit our application to the adoption agency. One more step closer!

Testing my handyman skills?

We adoptive parents go through a lot "hoops" to prove we can be suitable parents. Rightly so. I can’t imagine the amount of faith the birthmother will place in us to take good care of the life she is entrusting to us. All of the requirements make a lot of sense. Two stuck out to me as kind of funny. Fire extinguishers and smoke detectors. Yep. Our townhome must have a fire extinguisher and smoke detector on each level before Dr. Heller can sign off that we’re ready to receive a baby. Now I know this improves the safety level of our home, but as I was working on this beautiful fall day to install the smoke detectors, I wondered if there was a funny hidden agenda behind this task. I chuckled thinking maybe the “powers that be” wanted to test my handyman skills. Now, I have participated in several home remodeling projects in my life, and so I know that installing a smoke detector is near the bottom of the list when it comes to needed handyman skills. However, I’m sure there are some guys out there who start sweating at the thought of picking up a drill, a level (anal retentive much?), and a hammer to install a smoke detector. Maybe this task is there to separate some of us? Maybe I’m just being a bit silly. Our house is now prepared to alert us of impending danger due to fire. Should any of those alarms go off, I’ll have one of our three new fire extinguishers ready. Should the time ever come, I’ll have to draw from a fireman hidden deep within me. Let’s just say, no fire stands a chance!

On the way home from my parent's farm we read line for line Abby's One True Gift's legal adoption agreement to ensure we understood it. I am SO glad I never decided to become a lawyer!

What I Didn't Learn From a Book

As we began this journey, I felt pretty uneducated about the whole process. As we’ve pretty much gotten through the “paperwork” stage of the adoption process, I now find myself thinking of the little RedFisch that will enter our lives within the next year. And although I don’t know all that lies ahead, I have worked with children long enough to know that as parents of an adopted child we will face challenges and have responsibilities to our child that biological parents do not have to their biological children. But how do I learn of these responsibilities? How do I prepare to the best of my abilities? I started looking for a book (I really didn’t know where else to look!). I just wanted to gain as much information as I could. After looking for awhile for a book that sounded right for my needs at this moment (I had to go online… it is down right surprising how FEW books places like Barnes and Noble and Borders have on adoption!) I decided upon a book called Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. As soon as I got the book, I opened it and read through the table of contents. The look of dismay HAD to have been apparent on my face! It had chapters with titles like “If I Don’t Grieve My Loss My Ability to Receive Love From You and Others Will Be Hindered”, “My Unresolved Grief May Surface in Anger Toward You”, and “When I Act Out My Fears in Obnoxious Ways, Please Hang In There With Me and Respond Wisely”. Um…Yikes.  I shared the titles of the 22 chapters with Carlie. I got about halfway through the list and he interrupted me and said, “This has to be for kids adopted later in life, right?” I kind of laughed and told him I had thought the same thing!

I began reading the book and got two or three chapters in during my first sitting. I have to be honest and say that this book was leaving me with a feeling of dread. It was so negative and so very dramatic, I was beginning to since a layer of worry and fret developing in my heart. I put the book aside for awhile. When I picked it up again, I thought to myself…this has to get better! Adoption is a beautiful thing! Loving a child, being given a child who will complete our family and make it whole…how can this produce such terrible feelings?!?!?  Well, this time I read through chapter five and I just stopped. The author of the book had been adopted at 10 days old in 1940. She seemed to be generalizing her situation and her personal reaction to adoption to every child who ever has been or ever will be adopted. It was distressing! I mean, I knew that adopted children would have special needs and all I was trying to do was learn all that I could about this. But what this book was describing, what it was suggesting was that my little RedFisch did not stand a chance to feel happy and loved and secure and content.  Those are my dreams for our RedFisch. Was it not going to be possible for us?

I decided to get on Amazon and read some of the reviews for this book. (Now some of you, as my husband did, will ask me…Katie, why didn’t you do this BEFORE you bought the book? Good question.) These reviews were music to my ears…or eyes I guess! Review after review echoed the same thoughts I had had about this author and her book! I bet I read thirty reviews and all but 1 of them gave this book only one star (one reviewer even started her review by saying that she would give this book zero stars if it was an option!). Many reviews were from adoptees who were now adoptive parents and stated that their childhoods were wonderful, happy times and they loved their adoptive families very much. Phew! Review after review had me breathing just a little easier!  I decided that it was time to trust my gut instinct and putting this book on my shelf. 

Why not just get rid of it? Well, I do believe it is possible that our little RedFisch may struggle with the loss of his birth parents and may act out due to that grief. I also recognize that no matter how hard Carlie and I try, no matter how much love fills our home, and no matter how open we are with our child about her adoption, she may still have pain that we can’t erase. IF that time comes, this book may be a very good resource for Carlie and myself.

The five chapters of this book and the thirty plus reviews that I read from readers of this book taught me two things. One, it is imperative that Carlie and I create an atmosphere of openness and communication with our RedFisch about their adoption, while at the same time making him feel loved and secure in our family. And two, that books may not be the place to find all the answers on how to navigate this journey. I’m not sure where I will find them, and knowing myself I will keep looking, but for now I will pray for God’s timing and blessing on our journey and let Him take us where were are supposed to go.

The Name Game

If you could have been on the car ride with Carlie and I last night (headed to the farm to see Carlie’s parents) you would have been witness to the little bit of hope that has crept back into our lives. We spent at least an hour talking about baby names.  We have a name for a girl picked out, decided upon, and in love with. But this boy name business is tripping us up! We laughed at the funny combinations we thought of (mostly from Carlie…he’s quite partial to old man names it seems!) and pondered middle names with first names.  We looked through baby name apps on our phones and through our friend list on Facebook. I texted my mom numerous ideas, most of which she really liked…although one idea got the response of “not so much”.  Guess she can’t like them all!  By the time we drove through Sedalia, Carlie was using names on fast food restaurant signs and road signs as inspirations….let’s just say those names didn’t make the list at all!

I laid in bed last night and thought to myself, “that conversation shows the hope we have that the baby we are waiting for is on its way.” We started this conversation once during my first pregnancy…but obviously it was off-limits for awhile now. Talking about names is not something you discuss when your confidence in having a baby is so low. But now….it doesn’t feel like a matter of “if” it feels like just a matter of “when”.

And….just for the really curious out there….we have two top choices picked out for a boy! But no…we won’t share them with you!