What I Didn't Learn From a Book

As we began this journey, I felt pretty uneducated about the whole process. As we’ve pretty much gotten through the “paperwork” stage of the adoption process, I now find myself thinking of the little RedFisch that will enter our lives within the next year. And although I don’t know all that lies ahead, I have worked with children long enough to know that as parents of an adopted child we will face challenges and have responsibilities to our child that biological parents do not have to their biological children. But how do I learn of these responsibilities? How do I prepare to the best of my abilities? I started looking for a book (I really didn’t know where else to look!). I just wanted to gain as much information as I could. After looking for awhile for a book that sounded right for my needs at this moment (I had to go online… it is down right surprising how FEW books places like Barnes and Noble and Borders have on adoption!) I decided upon a book called Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. As soon as I got the book, I opened it and read through the table of contents. The look of dismay HAD to have been apparent on my face! It had chapters with titles like “If I Don’t Grieve My Loss My Ability to Receive Love From You and Others Will Be Hindered”, “My Unresolved Grief May Surface in Anger Toward You”, and “When I Act Out My Fears in Obnoxious Ways, Please Hang In There With Me and Respond Wisely”. Um…Yikes.  I shared the titles of the 22 chapters with Carlie. I got about halfway through the list and he interrupted me and said, “This has to be for kids adopted later in life, right?” I kind of laughed and told him I had thought the same thing!

I began reading the book and got two or three chapters in during my first sitting. I have to be honest and say that this book was leaving me with a feeling of dread. It was so negative and so very dramatic, I was beginning to since a layer of worry and fret developing in my heart. I put the book aside for awhile. When I picked it up again, I thought to myself…this has to get better! Adoption is a beautiful thing! Loving a child, being given a child who will complete our family and make it whole…how can this produce such terrible feelings?!?!?  Well, this time I read through chapter five and I just stopped. The author of the book had been adopted at 10 days old in 1940. She seemed to be generalizing her situation and her personal reaction to adoption to every child who ever has been or ever will be adopted. It was distressing! I mean, I knew that adopted children would have special needs and all I was trying to do was learn all that I could about this. But what this book was describing, what it was suggesting was that my little RedFisch did not stand a chance to feel happy and loved and secure and content.  Those are my dreams for our RedFisch. Was it not going to be possible for us?

I decided to get on Amazon and read some of the reviews for this book. (Now some of you, as my husband did, will ask me…Katie, why didn’t you do this BEFORE you bought the book? Good question.) These reviews were music to my ears…or eyes I guess! Review after review echoed the same thoughts I had had about this author and her book! I bet I read thirty reviews and all but 1 of them gave this book only one star (one reviewer even started her review by saying that she would give this book zero stars if it was an option!). Many reviews were from adoptees who were now adoptive parents and stated that their childhoods were wonderful, happy times and they loved their adoptive families very much. Phew! Review after review had me breathing just a little easier!  I decided that it was time to trust my gut instinct and putting this book on my shelf. 

Why not just get rid of it? Well, I do believe it is possible that our little RedFisch may struggle with the loss of his birth parents and may act out due to that grief. I also recognize that no matter how hard Carlie and I try, no matter how much love fills our home, and no matter how open we are with our child about her adoption, she may still have pain that we can’t erase. IF that time comes, this book may be a very good resource for Carlie and myself.

The five chapters of this book and the thirty plus reviews that I read from readers of this book taught me two things. One, it is imperative that Carlie and I create an atmosphere of openness and communication with our RedFisch about their adoption, while at the same time making him feel loved and secure in our family. And two, that books may not be the place to find all the answers on how to navigate this journey. I’m not sure where I will find them, and knowing myself I will keep looking, but for now I will pray for God’s timing and blessing on our journey and let Him take us where were are supposed to go.