Words Are Difficult, Part 2

Part of this adoption plan is weekly communication between us and the birthmother. We were told from the beginning that this kind of communication would be primarily between me (Katie) and the birthmother. “Mother to Mother” was what the adoption agent told me.  And it may be the most difficult part about the last few months.  It’s not difficult as in “hard”…it’s more like difficult as in “something I’ve never done before and I don’t have any guidance or idea of how to handle it.”  We began with the plan to talk once a week. It was understood that I would make the first few calls. The calls were … again….”difficult”. It’s hard to know what to say. It’s hard to know what to ask. It’s hard to have a conversation when you don’t know what to say or what to ask! She always answered my calls. Sometimes had to call me right back, but always did. In the beginning, she answered my questions with little detail and never asked a question of her own. About a month into the phone calls, she FINALLY asked me a question. She said “So, how is your week going?” Now…that may not seem like much to you, but I was so excited that she might be getting to the point of comfort with me!

Unfortunately, that was the first and last question she asked me. By the beginning of March, communication was coming to a standstill. With the advice from our adoption agent, I began using text-only to talk with her. That went ok for a while, now she doesn’t even respond to those. And that’s ok. 

It’s hard for me to put into words this “relationship”.  It is not something that I feel I need or necessarily want for myself. In the beginning, there were two motivating factors for me to work at something this “difficult”. The first was our baby. One day, this baby will be a big girl and might just want to know about her birthmother. It will be invaluable to us to be able to tell our big girl about her birthmother and about how I got to talk to her and hear her voice.  The second motivating factor was our birthmother’s possible desire or need to get to know us and feel as comfortable as possible with us. Unfortunately, I do not feel I’ve accomplished either of those two things. I will be able to tell our child that I spoke with her biological mother and learned a little about her, but I didn’t form the relationship that I had envisioned we would. It’s hard for me to imagine that our conversations taught her anything about us. We rarely got past weekend plans or the weather. I know I should not assume what she needed or wanted and what seems logical to me may not be logical to her.  It’s hard for me to understand.

The birthmother has begun her meetings with the adoption agency that will facilitate the adoption after birth. She is now being faced with the realities of her decision, and I can’t begin to imagine how that feels. There is a part of me that thinks talking to me now only reminds her that she will soon give up her baby to me. It’s easy to see how communicating with me would be hard.

So…I’ve updated our adoption agent on the lack of response and will do what she thinks is best from here on out. She told us the other night, she does not think the birthmom will want to see us or spend time with us at the hospital. That’s hard for me to understand too.