Home Visit Approaching

We have our home visit on Tuesday morning and we are very excited! Dr. Heller is visiting our home at 8:00 a.m. She’s coming to get all of the paperwork that we have labored to put together and to check things out. I’m excited to show her our home and hope that she will be pleased with what she sees. I bought a new coffee maker yesterday, baked pumpkin bread today, and boiled some spiced apple cider. I want to be sure Dr. Heller feels at home when she arrives. Yesterday, Carlie installed a few extra smoke alarms (and we won’t mention the one in the kitchen!), we placed fire extinguishers on each floor of the house, Macy was groomed, and cleaning is on the agenda for tomorrow. This is the last step in the home study process. It will take Dr. Heller a few weeks to type up and notarize the home study document then, we will be able to finally submit our application to the adoption agency. One more step closer!

Testing my handyman skills?

We adoptive parents go through a lot "hoops" to prove we can be suitable parents. Rightly so. I can’t imagine the amount of faith the birthmother will place in us to take good care of the life she is entrusting to us. All of the requirements make a lot of sense. Two stuck out to me as kind of funny. Fire extinguishers and smoke detectors. Yep. Our townhome must have a fire extinguisher and smoke detector on each level before Dr. Heller can sign off that we’re ready to receive a baby. Now I know this improves the safety level of our home, but as I was working on this beautiful fall day to install the smoke detectors, I wondered if there was a funny hidden agenda behind this task. I chuckled thinking maybe the “powers that be” wanted to test my handyman skills. Now, I have participated in several home remodeling projects in my life, and so I know that installing a smoke detector is near the bottom of the list when it comes to needed handyman skills. However, I’m sure there are some guys out there who start sweating at the thought of picking up a drill, a level (anal retentive much?), and a hammer to install a smoke detector. Maybe this task is there to separate some of us? Maybe I’m just being a bit silly. Our house is now prepared to alert us of impending danger due to fire. Should any of those alarms go off, I’ll have one of our three new fire extinguishers ready. Should the time ever come, I’ll have to draw from a fireman hidden deep within me. Let’s just say, no fire stands a chance!

On the way home from my parent's farm we read line for line Abby's One True Gift's legal adoption agreement to ensure we understood it. I am SO glad I never decided to become a lawyer!

What I Didn't Learn From a Book

As we began this journey, I felt pretty uneducated about the whole process. As we’ve pretty much gotten through the “paperwork” stage of the adoption process, I now find myself thinking of the little RedFisch that will enter our lives within the next year. And although I don’t know all that lies ahead, I have worked with children long enough to know that as parents of an adopted child we will face challenges and have responsibilities to our child that biological parents do not have to their biological children. But how do I learn of these responsibilities? How do I prepare to the best of my abilities? I started looking for a book (I really didn’t know where else to look!). I just wanted to gain as much information as I could. After looking for awhile for a book that sounded right for my needs at this moment (I had to go online… it is down right surprising how FEW books places like Barnes and Noble and Borders have on adoption!) I decided upon a book called Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. As soon as I got the book, I opened it and read through the table of contents. The look of dismay HAD to have been apparent on my face! It had chapters with titles like “If I Don’t Grieve My Loss My Ability to Receive Love From You and Others Will Be Hindered”, “My Unresolved Grief May Surface in Anger Toward You”, and “When I Act Out My Fears in Obnoxious Ways, Please Hang In There With Me and Respond Wisely”. Um…Yikes.  I shared the titles of the 22 chapters with Carlie. I got about halfway through the list and he interrupted me and said, “This has to be for kids adopted later in life, right?” I kind of laughed and told him I had thought the same thing!

I began reading the book and got two or three chapters in during my first sitting. I have to be honest and say that this book was leaving me with a feeling of dread. It was so negative and so very dramatic, I was beginning to since a layer of worry and fret developing in my heart. I put the book aside for awhile. When I picked it up again, I thought to myself…this has to get better! Adoption is a beautiful thing! Loving a child, being given a child who will complete our family and make it whole…how can this produce such terrible feelings?!?!?  Well, this time I read through chapter five and I just stopped. The author of the book had been adopted at 10 days old in 1940. She seemed to be generalizing her situation and her personal reaction to adoption to every child who ever has been or ever will be adopted. It was distressing! I mean, I knew that adopted children would have special needs and all I was trying to do was learn all that I could about this. But what this book was describing, what it was suggesting was that my little RedFisch did not stand a chance to feel happy and loved and secure and content.  Those are my dreams for our RedFisch. Was it not going to be possible for us?

I decided to get on Amazon and read some of the reviews for this book. (Now some of you, as my husband did, will ask me…Katie, why didn’t you do this BEFORE you bought the book? Good question.) These reviews were music to my ears…or eyes I guess! Review after review echoed the same thoughts I had had about this author and her book! I bet I read thirty reviews and all but 1 of them gave this book only one star (one reviewer even started her review by saying that she would give this book zero stars if it was an option!). Many reviews were from adoptees who were now adoptive parents and stated that their childhoods were wonderful, happy times and they loved their adoptive families very much. Phew! Review after review had me breathing just a little easier!  I decided that it was time to trust my gut instinct and putting this book on my shelf. 

Why not just get rid of it? Well, I do believe it is possible that our little RedFisch may struggle with the loss of his birth parents and may act out due to that grief. I also recognize that no matter how hard Carlie and I try, no matter how much love fills our home, and no matter how open we are with our child about her adoption, she may still have pain that we can’t erase. IF that time comes, this book may be a very good resource for Carlie and myself.

The five chapters of this book and the thirty plus reviews that I read from readers of this book taught me two things. One, it is imperative that Carlie and I create an atmosphere of openness and communication with our RedFisch about their adoption, while at the same time making him feel loved and secure in our family. And two, that books may not be the place to find all the answers on how to navigate this journey. I’m not sure where I will find them, and knowing myself I will keep looking, but for now I will pray for God’s timing and blessing on our journey and let Him take us where were are supposed to go.

The Name Game

If you could have been on the car ride with Carlie and I last night (headed to the farm to see Carlie’s parents) you would have been witness to the little bit of hope that has crept back into our lives. We spent at least an hour talking about baby names.  We have a name for a girl picked out, decided upon, and in love with. But this boy name business is tripping us up! We laughed at the funny combinations we thought of (mostly from Carlie…he’s quite partial to old man names it seems!) and pondered middle names with first names.  We looked through baby name apps on our phones and through our friend list on Facebook. I texted my mom numerous ideas, most of which she really liked…although one idea got the response of “not so much”.  Guess she can’t like them all!  By the time we drove through Sedalia, Carlie was using names on fast food restaurant signs and road signs as inspirations….let’s just say those names didn’t make the list at all!

I laid in bed last night and thought to myself, “that conversation shows the hope we have that the baby we are waiting for is on its way.” We started this conversation once during my first pregnancy…but obviously it was off-limits for awhile now. Talking about names is not something you discuss when your confidence in having a baby is so low. But now….it doesn’t feel like a matter of “if” it feels like just a matter of “when”.

And….just for the really curious out there….we have two top choices picked out for a boy! But no…we won’t share them with you! 

Home Study Paperwork

When we first met Dr. Heller, one of our big questions was how the home study works and what it entails. She summarized the process then told us a story. She told us that at this time of year, between Halloween and Christmas, adoptive couples like Carlie and I often slack on their home study paperwork. She told us that because of the hectic schedule people have during the holidays, they often put their paperwork on hold but people don’t stop having babies.  I heard her LOUD and CLEAR! Babies being born and not as many people able to adopt?? Sign us up!
 I have never been so motivated to get paperwork done in my life!  And this gives a WHOLE new meaning for me to the term “paperwork”.   Let me share the list of items that we had to get together to  complete the home study:

- resume from both

- autobiography from both

- letter from our banks stating we are customers in good standing,

 the types of accounts  we have and the balance of each account

- letter from our  doctors stating that we are in good health and

 free of any infectious  diseases, specifically HIV

- letter from our vet (yes, a referral letter from my dog’s doctor!) stating that Macy was gentle and current on shots

- a 7-page “Get To Know You” sheet from both (and this asked some personal stuff!)

- certified copies of our birth certificates (this was stupidly expensive)

- statements proving our financial stability, including copies of last year 1040s

- 6 reference letters (to quote Dr. Heller "you need 6 reference letters...but you could turn in 20!)

- copies of our driver’s licenses and social security cards

- MO State Highway Patrol Criminal Background Check

- FBI Child Abuse Screening (which included getting our fingerprinting done)

- outline of our home, including placement of furniture, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers

- Employment Verification Letter from each of our employers (including current salary)

- Financial worksheet (listing ALL of our assets and liabilities)

I think that’s all of it…

I attacked this chore with a vengeance!  I understand that we may have to wait for a baby until a birth mother picks us but I did not understand us waiting any longer because we can’t get appointments made, letters requested, and copies made.  If you know me at all, you can probably guess that getting this paperwork organized and executed properly is right up my alley! Twelve hours later I was on the phone making appointments, requesting letters, and sending emails. I worked on it nightly. Organizing the papers, checking off items on the list…feeling that right now this was the only thing I could do to get our baby so I did it with joy and with gusto!

Three weeks after being given our home study paperwork assignment, I sat on our living room floor and made copies of each piece of paperwork required for our records.  We had completed it all (well, Carlie still had is autobiography and doctor’s appointment to complete, but I trusted him to get those done on time!). I called Dr. Heller’s office and scheduled our home visit, the final step in the home study requirements.

We were warned that this paperwork would feel very intrusive. I suppose when you look at and think about all they are asking from us it IS a lot. But Carlie and I never once complained about it or felt that it was too personal or invasive. Every paper we filed, letter we requested, question we answered, appointment we went to, or paper that we copied felt like a step closer to meeting our baby. And that thought alone made it easy.

Three more reference letters...

We called my (Carlie’s) parents one evening to ask them to write a reference letter for us. Of course my parents were supportive and agreed. Within 48 hours my Mom had the letter written and mailed. I remember stressing initially about telling my parents that Katie and I would be adopting. How would they react? Would they tell us to be patient and keep trying even though we didn’t want to? Would they and the rest of the family accept an adopted child the same as a biological child? My family doesn’t have anyone close in relation who has adopted, so this process was going to be as new and foreign to them as it was to us. Every call I made home to my Mom and Dad showed me again and again the type of people they have always been. I should have never stressed. They were honest, supportive of our decision, and reminded both Katie and I that it didn’t matter what other people thought. This was our lives and we had to do what was best for us.

One thing you need to know about Rich Hill, is news travels fast. Superfast. I believe the internet couldn’t compete to how information is disseminated in my home town. Within a few days, we had already received a message from my cousin Valerie saying she had heard the news, and that she was excited for us. RedFisch will be welcomed into the Fischer family the same as he or she was our own biological child.

Shortly after asking my Mom and Dad for a reference letter, we made similar calls to Uncle Richard and Aunt Denise, and Uncle Ivan and Aunt Anita. All family reference letters have been requested now. Three more things off the list.