Blogs are meant for sharing, journaling, requesting, and updating...I have been doing NONE of that! We are so sorry for the lack of communication and information over the past six months or so. The only excuse I have is that I just did not know what to say. After what we've been through and what has happened I think we needed time to process. We have been through anger and fear and hopelessness, and those just don't seem like things that people want to read about in a blog!
We have been trying to start our family for over two years and we seem to hit a wall with every attempt. Physically, emotionally, financially...wall, after wall, after wall. My body didn't work the way we thought it would. The adoption system didn't work they way we thought it would. The legal system didn't work the way we thought it would. I think you probably get where I'm going with this...Let me see if I can catch you up on our journey and let you know where we stand today.
If you read the post before this one, you read that our second match was unsuccessful. If ONLY she had just changed her mind! There is, unfortunately, not much to report with that situation. The state of the birth mother's residence DID investigate the crime and DID tell us they were taking the case on as a criminal case. (This is good news for us. If they would not have, we would have had to pursue it civil court and we did not have the funds for something like that.) We have been in contact with the state's attorney periodically but nothing is happening with the speed that we would like it to happen. Outside of the sadness and disappointment that you face with a failed adoption, we were also just so disheartened to be deceived in this way. It felt so ugly. We dealt with the loss in different ways, but anger was one thing we both had in common. I think with ALL that we have been through, this situation is the one that kept us asking God "why?"...
Financially, this second failed adoption and the way in which it failed, hurt us the most financially. We were upset about the failed adoption and maybe even more upset that we did not have the immediate funds to begin a third adoption attempt. I am not a patient person and all of this waiting is TRYING to say the least. But the thought of having to WAIT in order to even start the process of officially WAITING was devastating to me. But God blessed us with a group of friends that selflessly organized a trivia night to benefit our financial situation. It was amazing!! The money raised that evening gave us the ability to start the process on a third adoption attempt and that alone was a gift. But in all honesty, the night gave us so much more. The event brought us into contact with almost 300 people who donated their time, money, services, and gifts to the function. These acts of kindness, MANY from people we did not even know, did so much in the way of healing our hearts....of reminding us that people are generally good, kind, loving people. We are so grateful for ALL that that night did for us!
So now, we are....again....waiting. :) We are working with the same adoption agency. We know, some people are having a hard time understanding this choice. But, in our hearts, we feel the agency was just has deceived by the last birth mother as we were. They care for us and we believe, genuinely want us to have a baby and want to be a part of helping us begin our family. We trust them and believe they are truthful with us in the good and bad times. We have changed our criteria for a match though...we are choosing to wait for a birth mother whose due date is 4-8 weeks from the date of our match with her. (Previously we had been matched at 6 months and at 5 months from the match date). We just feel that emotionally and financially, this is a better decision for us a this time. But....this requires more WAITING. Our agency is making matches right now with birth moms due in October. And as much as we long for that hopeful time and the promise of a baby, 7 months is just too much time for things to go wrong. We believe in prayer and we believe in God's timing. Sometimes it is not always easy...in fact it sometimes feels down right impossible to endure this any longer. But no matter how impossible it seems, we always wake up the next day and do the waiting and hoping and praying some more.
So...if you are a prayer, we gladly accept all prayers. :) Please pray for mercy for our hearts and finances as we continue on this journey. Please pray for courage and patience, as I know ALL that I have possess comes not from me but from above. And above all else, please continue to pray that God brings to our family the perfect baby for us.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Monday, October 10, 2011
And so the waiting continues...
Before I begin with the latest news about our adoption journey, I want to take a minute to thank everyone for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words over the last couple of weeks. It has been so encouraging to us that each of you have lifted our names up in prayer in this situation and throughout the entire journey.
We have in the past few days learned that the birthmother has in fact been working with two adoptive families. We being one of them. About a week ago, us and our agency began to feel our birthmother pull away from us, but nievely we thought it might be attributed to her own emotional rollercoaster. As the days played out, we now know the other adoptive family gained custody of the baby. Clearly he is not the Red Fisch we had been waiting for. I'm sure this poses a lot of questions in everyone's minds reading this. Truly we don't have many answers. The timing and series of events that have played out while frustrating and sad, are knowingly some part of a plan that we can not see - God's plan. That is what we choose to believe and focus on during this time.
What are our next steps? We take time to heal. We take time to replenish our savings. :) We decide what we will agree to in the next adoption. Yes, we will try again.
Until the next step...
We have in the past few days learned that the birthmother has in fact been working with two adoptive families. We being one of them. About a week ago, us and our agency began to feel our birthmother pull away from us, but nievely we thought it might be attributed to her own emotional rollercoaster. As the days played out, we now know the other adoptive family gained custody of the baby. Clearly he is not the Red Fisch we had been waiting for. I'm sure this poses a lot of questions in everyone's minds reading this. Truly we don't have many answers. The timing and series of events that have played out while frustrating and sad, are knowingly some part of a plan that we can not see - God's plan. That is what we choose to believe and focus on during this time.
What are our next steps? We take time to heal. We take time to replenish our savings. :) We decide what we will agree to in the next adoption. Yes, we will try again.
Until the next step...
Monday, September 26, 2011
9.26.11
The due date is tomorrow and the waiting is definitely taking a toll on us. Neither of us has ever felt this kind of anxiety and stress before. We go to sleep with it and wake up with it in the morning. We talk about it over dinner and email about it to each other throughout the day. We try to think about other things and talk about other things...but really. Who are we kidding? There is NOTHING else going on for us right now. I refuse to say this to myself and we never say it to each other...but in this blog I will admit that we want to meet this baby so badly. We want to hold him and see what he looks like. But right now, even as close as the calendar tells us we are, that moment feels so far away.
Status update: We know nothing. :) We know the hospital that we THINK she's going to deliver at. We know that two days ago she was still pregnant. We know that she SAYS she wants to continue with this adoption plan. But that's it. And that's not a lot. I told Carlie yesterday that I think God needs to revamp this whole system that He has going on. It would be a whole lot easier to be faithful if He could just let us know the date and time the baby was coming, then we could relax, be faithful, and breathe a little. Just a little message sent down from above: "Baby boy will be here on September 26, 2011 around 10:30 p.m. You will get the call around 7:00 p.m. that same night." .... "Ok God. Thanks for letting us know." I mean, is that so hard??? If only....
So we wait. I know, I know, we've been waiting for almost two years now. But THIS waiting doesn't compare to any other waiting I've ever experienced.
I may not be getting a direct-line message from above, but I sure can send one.... "Lord, I will be faithful. Although at times it is physically painful...my skin feels to tight and my stomach is tied in knots, I will be faithful. But please hear the cry of our hearts."
Status update: We know nothing. :) We know the hospital that we THINK she's going to deliver at. We know that two days ago she was still pregnant. We know that she SAYS she wants to continue with this adoption plan. But that's it. And that's not a lot. I told Carlie yesterday that I think God needs to revamp this whole system that He has going on. It would be a whole lot easier to be faithful if He could just let us know the date and time the baby was coming, then we could relax, be faithful, and breathe a little. Just a little message sent down from above: "Baby boy will be here on September 26, 2011 around 10:30 p.m. You will get the call around 7:00 p.m. that same night." .... "Ok God. Thanks for letting us know." I mean, is that so hard??? If only....
So we wait. I know, I know, we've been waiting for almost two years now. But THIS waiting doesn't compare to any other waiting I've ever experienced.
I may not be getting a direct-line message from above, but I sure can send one.... "Lord, I will be faithful. Although at times it is physically painful...my skin feels to tight and my stomach is tied in knots, I will be faithful. But please hear the cry of our hearts."
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Am I Tall Enough to Ride?
We are exactly six days from Max's due date. On Friday of last week, our adoption agent, Brenda, told us that she likes to tell adoptive parents that at this point in the adoption journey it is like you are in line for the roller coaster. You've bought your ticket, you've made it to the ride, and now you are just waiting in line. Prior to this, I had told Carlie something similiar. A few days earlier I had said, in a moment of impatience, "Ok...the national anthem has been sung...let's throw the first pitch already!" I liked my analogy better until I spent some time thinking about Brenda's analogy and what it means to me.
Let me start by saying...I hate roller coasters. Hate them. Just the sound of them as I walk through an amusement park- you know that sound...metal on metal as the wheels slowly inch up the track, the exhaust from the engine as it pulls the cars along - raises my blood pressure and makes my stomach turn. Standing in line for a roller coaster would make my stomach turn into knots, my palms start sweating and my head would involuntarily be looking in all directions for some way out of line. And honestly...this just about describes how I'm feeling six days away from this due date. We have had some tense moments in this journey, but nothing really compares to the past few days. If I was in line for a roller coaster, and this close to climbing on board, I would be seriously wishing for more time. In a way, I'm doing the same thing now. What is in front of us could be so many different things...scary things, sad things, overwhelming things or quite possibly the happiest thing to happen in our lives..but the unknown is enough to make me want out of this line and off the ride.
During those moments in my day when I'm left alone there is not much I can do about the onslaught of thought and worry that is always sitting there, on the sidelines, waiting for its turn. I think I have the normal worries of a soon-to-be first time mother. I worry about how our lives will change and how the relationship that we have built will change. I worry about being a good mom and the mistakes I know I will make. But...on top of all of those "normal" worries...I worry about saying the right things to an adoptive child. I worry about his health since we had no control over his environment in the last nine months. I worry our birth mom will struggle to sign the papers and we will be left fretting in the hospital waiting room. I worry about none of these worries being necessary at all because we will lose him altogether. This line for the roller coaster is taking far too long. Seeing the coaster up ahead, hearing it's moans and groans, knowing that the ride is so close is sometimes too much to handle. I find myself wondering, "Am I tall enough to ride?"
Let me start by saying...I hate roller coasters. Hate them. Just the sound of them as I walk through an amusement park- you know that sound...metal on metal as the wheels slowly inch up the track, the exhaust from the engine as it pulls the cars along - raises my blood pressure and makes my stomach turn. Standing in line for a roller coaster would make my stomach turn into knots, my palms start sweating and my head would involuntarily be looking in all directions for some way out of line. And honestly...this just about describes how I'm feeling six days away from this due date. We have had some tense moments in this journey, but nothing really compares to the past few days. If I was in line for a roller coaster, and this close to climbing on board, I would be seriously wishing for more time. In a way, I'm doing the same thing now. What is in front of us could be so many different things...scary things, sad things, overwhelming things or quite possibly the happiest thing to happen in our lives..but the unknown is enough to make me want out of this line and off the ride.
During those moments in my day when I'm left alone there is not much I can do about the onslaught of thought and worry that is always sitting there, on the sidelines, waiting for its turn. I think I have the normal worries of a soon-to-be first time mother. I worry about how our lives will change and how the relationship that we have built will change. I worry about being a good mom and the mistakes I know I will make. But...on top of all of those "normal" worries...I worry about saying the right things to an adoptive child. I worry about his health since we had no control over his environment in the last nine months. I worry our birth mom will struggle to sign the papers and we will be left fretting in the hospital waiting room. I worry about none of these worries being necessary at all because we will lose him altogether. This line for the roller coaster is taking far too long. Seeing the coaster up ahead, hearing it's moans and groans, knowing that the ride is so close is sometimes too much to handle. I find myself wondering, "Am I tall enough to ride?"
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Birth...Day
No matter what we say to you or to each other, I KNOW that we are both wondering when "the" phone call is going to come through. In the middle of the night? On our way to work? During a meeting? The little control freak that resides in all of us is SCREAMING OUT right now because we just don't know and can't do anything about it! I realized this evening that we aren't just wondering about when the phone will ring, we are actually wondering what will be our little boy's birthday. Every year, for the rest of our lives, when his birthday comes around we will remember how we felt right now.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
From Katie...
For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation.
It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness.
Reba McEntire
I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity.
Billy Joel
Music can change the world because it can change people.
Bono
Anyone who knows me at least a little bit well has been on the receiving of this request: "Listen to the words of this song. It says EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now!" Or something along those lines....Music has always been something that heals my heart, lifts my spirits. I can't count the number of times in my life that a song has come on that has been able to express the words and feelings in my heart better than I can.
As you can imagine, this adoption has created a list of songs that have comforted me, excited me, inspired me, and most have brought me to tears at least once (ok, really? Who am I kidding?!?! MORE than once...). I want to share this list of songs because even though I've written as candidly and as openly as I know how to....music just seems to express my heart better than I can.
Below is what I would call the soundtrack of the last year.....Listen to these songs. It says EXACTLY what I've been feeling!
Jordin Sparks
Tenth Avenue North
Michael Buble
Bebo Norman
Michael West
The Afters
Bebo Norman
Lincoln Brewster
Umm.....
Has anyone realized that we are less than three weeks from the due date? Anyone....? Anyone?
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