Am I Tall Enough to Ride?

We are exactly six days from Max's due date. On Friday of last week, our adoption agent, Brenda, told us that she likes to tell adoptive parents that at this point in the adoption journey it is like you are in line for the roller coaster. You've bought your ticket, you've made it to the ride, and now you are just waiting in line. Prior to this, I had told Carlie something similiar. A few days earlier I had said, in a moment of impatience, "Ok...the national anthem has been sung...let's throw the first pitch already!" I liked my analogy better until I spent some time thinking about Brenda's analogy and what it means to me.

Let me start by saying...I hate roller coasters. Hate them. Just the sound of them as I walk through an amusement park- you know that sound...metal on metal as the wheels slowly inch up the track, the exhaust from the engine as it pulls the cars along - raises my blood pressure and makes my stomach turn. Standing in line for a roller coaster would make my stomach turn into knots, my palms start sweating and my head would involuntarily be looking in all directions for some way out of line. And honestly...this just about describes how I'm feeling six days away from this due date. We have had some tense moments in this journey, but nothing really compares to the past few days. If I was in line for a roller coaster, and this close to climbing on board, I would be seriously wishing for more time. In a way, I'm doing the same thing now. What is in front of us could be so many different things...scary things, sad things, overwhelming things or quite possibly the happiest thing to happen in our lives..but the unknown is enough to make me want out of this line and off the ride. 

During those moments in my day when I'm left alone there is not much I can do about the onslaught of thought and worry that is always sitting there, on the sidelines, waiting for its turn. I think I have the normal worries of a soon-to-be first time mother. I worry about how our lives will change and how the relationship that we have built will change. I worry about being a good mom and the mistakes I know I will make. But...on top of all of those "normal" worries...I worry about saying the right things to an adoptive child. I worry about his health since we had no control over his environment in the last nine months. I worry our birth mom will struggle to sign the papers and we will be left fretting in the hospital waiting room. I worry about none of these worries being necessary at all because we will lose him altogether. This line for the roller coaster is taking far too long. Seeing the coaster up ahead, hearing it's moans and groans, knowing that the ride is so close is sometimes too much to handle. I find myself wondering, "Am I tall enough to ride?"