Before I begin with the latest news about our adoption journey, I want to take a minute to thank everyone for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words over the last couple of weeks. It has been so encouraging to us that each of you have lifted our names up in prayer in this situation and throughout the entire journey.
We have in the past few days learned that the birthmother has in fact been working with two adoptive families. We being one of them. About a week ago, us and our agency began to feel our birthmother pull away from us, but nievely we thought it might be attributed to her own emotional rollercoaster. As the days played out, we now know the other adoptive family gained custody of the baby. Clearly he is not the Red Fisch we had been waiting for. I'm sure this poses a lot of questions in everyone's minds reading this. Truly we don't have many answers. The timing and series of events that have played out while frustrating and sad, are knowingly some part of a plan that we can not see - God's plan. That is what we choose to believe and focus on during this time.
What are our next steps? We take time to heal. We take time to replenish our savings. :) We decide what we will agree to in the next adoption. Yes, we will try again.
Until the next step...
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
9.26.11
The due date is tomorrow and the waiting is definitely taking a toll on us. Neither of us has ever felt this kind of anxiety and stress before. We go to sleep with it and wake up with it in the morning. We talk about it over dinner and email about it to each other throughout the day. We try to think about other things and talk about other things...but really. Who are we kidding? There is NOTHING else going on for us right now. I refuse to say this to myself and we never say it to each other...but in this blog I will admit that we want to meet this baby so badly. We want to hold him and see what he looks like. But right now, even as close as the calendar tells us we are, that moment feels so far away.
Status update: We know nothing. :) We know the hospital that we THINK she's going to deliver at. We know that two days ago she was still pregnant. We know that she SAYS she wants to continue with this adoption plan. But that's it. And that's not a lot. I told Carlie yesterday that I think God needs to revamp this whole system that He has going on. It would be a whole lot easier to be faithful if He could just let us know the date and time the baby was coming, then we could relax, be faithful, and breathe a little. Just a little message sent down from above: "Baby boy will be here on September 26, 2011 around 10:30 p.m. You will get the call around 7:00 p.m. that same night." .... "Ok God. Thanks for letting us know." I mean, is that so hard??? If only....
So we wait. I know, I know, we've been waiting for almost two years now. But THIS waiting doesn't compare to any other waiting I've ever experienced.
I may not be getting a direct-line message from above, but I sure can send one.... "Lord, I will be faithful. Although at times it is physically painful...my skin feels to tight and my stomach is tied in knots, I will be faithful. But please hear the cry of our hearts."
Status update: We know nothing. :) We know the hospital that we THINK she's going to deliver at. We know that two days ago she was still pregnant. We know that she SAYS she wants to continue with this adoption plan. But that's it. And that's not a lot. I told Carlie yesterday that I think God needs to revamp this whole system that He has going on. It would be a whole lot easier to be faithful if He could just let us know the date and time the baby was coming, then we could relax, be faithful, and breathe a little. Just a little message sent down from above: "Baby boy will be here on September 26, 2011 around 10:30 p.m. You will get the call around 7:00 p.m. that same night." .... "Ok God. Thanks for letting us know." I mean, is that so hard??? If only....
So we wait. I know, I know, we've been waiting for almost two years now. But THIS waiting doesn't compare to any other waiting I've ever experienced.
I may not be getting a direct-line message from above, but I sure can send one.... "Lord, I will be faithful. Although at times it is physically painful...my skin feels to tight and my stomach is tied in knots, I will be faithful. But please hear the cry of our hearts."
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Am I Tall Enough to Ride?
We are exactly six days from Max's due date. On Friday of last week, our adoption agent, Brenda, told us that she likes to tell adoptive parents that at this point in the adoption journey it is like you are in line for the roller coaster. You've bought your ticket, you've made it to the ride, and now you are just waiting in line. Prior to this, I had told Carlie something similiar. A few days earlier I had said, in a moment of impatience, "Ok...the national anthem has been sung...let's throw the first pitch already!" I liked my analogy better until I spent some time thinking about Brenda's analogy and what it means to me.
Let me start by saying...I hate roller coasters. Hate them. Just the sound of them as I walk through an amusement park- you know that sound...metal on metal as the wheels slowly inch up the track, the exhaust from the engine as it pulls the cars along - raises my blood pressure and makes my stomach turn. Standing in line for a roller coaster would make my stomach turn into knots, my palms start sweating and my head would involuntarily be looking in all directions for some way out of line. And honestly...this just about describes how I'm feeling six days away from this due date. We have had some tense moments in this journey, but nothing really compares to the past few days. If I was in line for a roller coaster, and this close to climbing on board, I would be seriously wishing for more time. In a way, I'm doing the same thing now. What is in front of us could be so many different things...scary things, sad things, overwhelming things or quite possibly the happiest thing to happen in our lives..but the unknown is enough to make me want out of this line and off the ride.
During those moments in my day when I'm left alone there is not much I can do about the onslaught of thought and worry that is always sitting there, on the sidelines, waiting for its turn. I think I have the normal worries of a soon-to-be first time mother. I worry about how our lives will change and how the relationship that we have built will change. I worry about being a good mom and the mistakes I know I will make. But...on top of all of those "normal" worries...I worry about saying the right things to an adoptive child. I worry about his health since we had no control over his environment in the last nine months. I worry our birth mom will struggle to sign the papers and we will be left fretting in the hospital waiting room. I worry about none of these worries being necessary at all because we will lose him altogether. This line for the roller coaster is taking far too long. Seeing the coaster up ahead, hearing it's moans and groans, knowing that the ride is so close is sometimes too much to handle. I find myself wondering, "Am I tall enough to ride?"
Let me start by saying...I hate roller coasters. Hate them. Just the sound of them as I walk through an amusement park- you know that sound...metal on metal as the wheels slowly inch up the track, the exhaust from the engine as it pulls the cars along - raises my blood pressure and makes my stomach turn. Standing in line for a roller coaster would make my stomach turn into knots, my palms start sweating and my head would involuntarily be looking in all directions for some way out of line. And honestly...this just about describes how I'm feeling six days away from this due date. We have had some tense moments in this journey, but nothing really compares to the past few days. If I was in line for a roller coaster, and this close to climbing on board, I would be seriously wishing for more time. In a way, I'm doing the same thing now. What is in front of us could be so many different things...scary things, sad things, overwhelming things or quite possibly the happiest thing to happen in our lives..but the unknown is enough to make me want out of this line and off the ride.
During those moments in my day when I'm left alone there is not much I can do about the onslaught of thought and worry that is always sitting there, on the sidelines, waiting for its turn. I think I have the normal worries of a soon-to-be first time mother. I worry about how our lives will change and how the relationship that we have built will change. I worry about being a good mom and the mistakes I know I will make. But...on top of all of those "normal" worries...I worry about saying the right things to an adoptive child. I worry about his health since we had no control over his environment in the last nine months. I worry our birth mom will struggle to sign the papers and we will be left fretting in the hospital waiting room. I worry about none of these worries being necessary at all because we will lose him altogether. This line for the roller coaster is taking far too long. Seeing the coaster up ahead, hearing it's moans and groans, knowing that the ride is so close is sometimes too much to handle. I find myself wondering, "Am I tall enough to ride?"
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Birth...Day
No matter what we say to you or to each other, I KNOW that we are both wondering when "the" phone call is going to come through. In the middle of the night? On our way to work? During a meeting? The little control freak that resides in all of us is SCREAMING OUT right now because we just don't know and can't do anything about it! I realized this evening that we aren't just wondering about when the phone will ring, we are actually wondering what will be our little boy's birthday. Every year, for the rest of our lives, when his birthday comes around we will remember how we felt right now.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
From Katie...
For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation.
It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness.
Reba McEntire
I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity.
Billy Joel
Music can change the world because it can change people.
Bono
Anyone who knows me at least a little bit well has been on the receiving of this request: "Listen to the words of this song. It says EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now!" Or something along those lines....Music has always been something that heals my heart, lifts my spirits. I can't count the number of times in my life that a song has come on that has been able to express the words and feelings in my heart better than I can.
As you can imagine, this adoption has created a list of songs that have comforted me, excited me, inspired me, and most have brought me to tears at least once (ok, really? Who am I kidding?!?! MORE than once...). I want to share this list of songs because even though I've written as candidly and as openly as I know how to....music just seems to express my heart better than I can.
Below is what I would call the soundtrack of the last year.....Listen to these songs. It says EXACTLY what I've been feeling!
Jordin Sparks
Tenth Avenue North
Michael Buble
Bebo Norman
Michael West
The Afters
Bebo Norman
Lincoln Brewster
Umm.....
Has anyone realized that we are less than three weeks from the due date? Anyone....? Anyone?
Monday, August 29, 2011
Lessons Learned
Women have been taking maternity leave for decades. When I thought about taking my maternity leave I never thought that that decision would effect people in the way that it has. Let me see if I can explain....My job has always been a major priority in my life. Until I met my husband, it was my #1 priority. Teaching my students was just a part of the job for me. I invest myself in them for the 9 months they are in my room. I invest in their education, socialization, emotional well-being, success, and happiness. Many of you reading this may not believe me. For those of you who know me well, I hope you agree with me. I may not have always been successful with each and every student but I did try. On top of all of this investing I've got going on, there is the actual "job" of teaching. And anyone that works with me will tell you that I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my work. This level of commitment to my job takes time and work. Parents were always pleased with me, students reported that they loved being in my room, and my administrators were always happy with my work. All of this is doable to a person with no children, no health problems, extra time at home, and a pretty low-maintenance hubby. :) But two years ago, it all changed. My health problems began due to bad pregnancies and life at home became pretty stressful for us. I had four surgeries in a ten-month period of time and three of those surgeries created a lot of sadness for us as well. My work suffered. Period. I didn't have the energy for myself let alone for my students. I missed more school in one year than I had missed in my ten year career. Staying organized and on top of things in the manner that I had grown accustomed to was very difficult. The people that were supportive of me at work could be counted on one hand with fingers left over. People who did know what was going on (Granted MANY people did not know, as I had developed a sudden sense of privacy about my personal life.) didn't seem to have the compassion for what I was going through and still expected me to perform at the level that I had performed at before everything started getting crazy in my life. I felt as if no one had any grace for the hard time I was going through. A month or more of struggling and the nine years of a squeaky clean, above average work ethic was forgotten. This is the point where I learned a tough lesson...well, it was tough for me. Work comes second to my family and myself. That seems obvious but for me if took months to accept. I love what I do for a living but I may not be able to keep the status quo that I have created for myself. I have to take care of myself and I have to do what is best for my family.
That means that I am taking three months off of school to take care of our new baby. Yes, that's a lot of time. Yes, my students will have a substitute. Yes, it is likely she will do things a little different than me. Yes, it will be a transition for the students. But more importantly...YES, they will all be ok. I felt so torn between doing what everyone at work wanted me to and doing what I feel is best for my family. I shouldn't have had to feel that way! I work in the business of humans. I don't leave a desk, rolodex and computer behind to gather dust and be right where I left them when I get back. I leave 20 little humans who will grow a little taller, be a little smarter, and know a little more about life when I return. NOTHING will be where I left it when I get back. All I can do is prepare and plan in the best way I know how before I leave. It has truly been a frustrating, confusing, and sometimes hurtful process.
But on the other side of that confusion and hurt, there is a better me. Someone who knows what it is like to work hard at her job but put her family first. Someone who maybe doesn't worry quite so much about what her peers, parents, and administrators think about her. Someone who knows who she can trust and rely on during the hard times. I have to think that that someone has learned a lesson that will help her be an even better mom.
But on the other side of that confusion and hurt, there is a better me. Someone who knows what it is like to work hard at her job but put her family first. Someone who maybe doesn't worry quite so much about what her peers, parents, and administrators think about her. Someone who knows who she can trust and rely on during the hard times. I have to think that that someone has learned a lesson that will help her be an even better mom.
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