Which agency is which?

There are A LOT of ways to adopt a child. There are so many different ways I am having a hard time beginning the list! I spent a lot of time reading on the subject. It seemed our first decision was if we wanted a public or private adoption. I read a statistic from my very large adoption book, The Complete Adoption Book, Everything You Need to Know to Adoption a Child by Laura Beauvais-Godwin and Raymond Godwin, that 80% of Caucasian infant adoptions take place through private adoptions. This little tidbit of information caused us to sway in the direction of a private adoption.

THE book!

Now that this decision was made, we jumped head first into the 101 other decisions to make! One of these decisions was picking the right agency for us. We really did not even know where to begin. As I have said, no one we knew had ever adopted (Well, my parents and some friends told us of couples they knew who were adopting but one couple was going through the foster care system because they did not mind adopting older children and the other was going international…so their knowledge of the adoption process really wouldn’t help us.) so we didn’t have any advice to fall back on.  So we experienced the yet another feeling of gratefulness for Dr. Heller. We asked her for recommendations of agencies that she has worked with and trusts. She not only suggested a few agencies, but said “I have four agencies I want you to call.” Carlie had the notepad – he’s better at taking notes during those meetings than I am – so he wrote down each name and number of the agencies she suggested.

I started calling the next day. Each agency was in a different state.  California, Arizona, Iowa, and Florida. I was eager to talk to them. I didn’t even know what I was eager for! I knew I wasn’t signing up for a baby with this phone call. I realized that there was still SO much to do. But making these calls made me feel connected to the process that would bring us a baby and make us a family. When a woman is pregnant, going in for an ultrasound is exciting because it makes you feel connected to that little baby growing inside of you before you can feel it or see it. By the end of the third pregnancy, ultrasounds only produced more anxiety and more fear for me. Ultrasounds for me were the tools that told me my baby’s heartbeat, that I heard and seen so strongly, was no longer there. Making these phone calls was like an ultrasound appointment…a tool that made me feel connected to this process of getting a baby.

Prior to making the calls I reviewed the list of questions that Dr. Heller and given us to ask each agency. I also got online and checked out each agency’s web site. I wanted to read what I could before speaking with the agency. One thing that stuck out to me, something I had not expected, was that three of the four agencies had 800 numbers that could be called 24 hours a day by birth mothers who were looking to give their baby up for adoption. I remember just staring at the first number I saw thinking….wow, this is really happening!

The first call went nowhere. It was in California. They wouldn’t be open until the middle of my work day so I would not be able to call until after school. I was disappointed!  The second call was to an agency in Florida. They were open, but I only talked to an operator who took my name and number from me and said an adoption agent would call me back. (No one ever did call me back, just for the record.)  The third phone call was to an agency in Iowa. I spoke with Brenda, one of their adoption agents. She seemed excited to hear from me. (Which I totally realize it’s her job to be excited to hear from me but at that time, it meant something to me to hear enthusiasm in her voice.) I spoke with Brenda for thirty minutes. She had a lot of questions for me, told me stories of adoptions they’ve done in the past, and answered all of my questions. When I got off the phone, I felt plugged into this adoption process. I was excited to share all that I had learned with Carlie, and hoped that I had written everything down correctly!  The fourth phone call was the one I had been waiting to make. I LOVED the name of the agency! (At this point I’m refraining from naming the agencies…sorry! I’m waiting until our application is accepted and we are official “clients” of the named agency.) I just KNEW this agency would be for us. The website was adorable, the name struck a chord with me, I could just FEEL it in my bones that this would be the one for us…. I was wrong. I again spoke with an operator who took my name BUT did patch me through right away. But the agent was not interested in talking with me. She wanted to send me a packet and have me read over everything before we talked. When I ventured to ask a question, she literally cut me off and said “I’ll send the packet out today. It will answer any questions you might have.” Ok, then. I spent around 90 minutes working on these calls and only one had felt right…and it wasn’t they one I thought it was going to be! If you know me at all, you’ll understand why I wasn’t ready to reconcile the fact that the agency I THOUGHT would be right, was not the one that felt right in the end.  I figured I’d talk to Carlie about it, think and pray on it a little bit, and make our decision later.

That night I was reading more from my book. It was about choosing the right agency for you, giving me tips and hints when talking with agencies (Dr. Heller and also covered this), explaining things that adoptive parents need to look for in an agency that differs from what a birth mother should look for. Great reading for me after the morning I’d had on the phone!  Then, near the end, the author concludes the chapter by saying that it’s important to “go with your instincts” when choosing an agency. If one does not feel right to you or does not talk with me as much as you would like, then it may not be the right on for you. I couldn’t believe this book was saying the exact same thing I had been thinking all day! This information and my gut feeling, plus Carlie’s approval on the matter, led us to choose the agency in Iowa for our adoption. Very exciting! I called Brenda the next day and told her that we’d like an application. One step closer.