We are...wellll...the application is... Iowa Bound!

We're making some progress now! Today (12/10/10) I mailed the application to Abby's One True Gift! Katie and I were supposed to drive to Iowa this weekend to hand in our application in person. However, it has been forecasted that Mother Nature might pull a fast one on us and send Iowa a snow storm. We, along with Brenda (our Adoption Agent from Abby's One True Gift) decided it just wasn't worth risking the trip this weekend. So we did the next best thing and put the application and notarized copy of our homestudy in the capable hands of FedEx! They are more reliable drivers in the snow than I am.

I started my day sleeping in. I took today off to Christmas shop for Katie. I have to take a vacation day every year so I can adequately purchase and HIDE said gift(s). You'll learn, RedFisch...she likes to hunt for her gifts. Booo. :) As you probably just read, Katie and I experienced a miracle and got our state background checks in the mail just yesterday (12/11/10). So before I could go to any store, I was sent with the background checks to Doctor Heller's office. My only other instruction from Katie was that I text her statuses of my progress at every turn. She had to work today which meant she couldn't participate. Texts and pictures of the day's events would have to suffice. When I arrived at Dr. Heller's office, I handed them the documents, and Christina handed me the three notarized copies of the Home Study. They were already ready because we had previously worked out those details with Dr. Heller in preparation for our previously-planned trip to Iowa. Next stop - FedEx Kinkos! I had the home study documents bound with covers, and copies made of the application for us. We also had to send a picture of ourselves to Abby's One True Gift. Katie picked out a really good one of us (minus some scary red eyes) from our honeymoon to send. Prior to sending I fixed the red eyes! After that I placed all the required documents in a FedEx envelope, took a pic for Katie and sent it on its way to Iowa. Now we just wait I guess. I guess its only a matter of time before we start getting calls about a match. I hope its sooner than later!!

Mother Nature

Great news! The US Postal Service came through and our background checks were delivered Thursday afternoon...just in time! We were Iowa-bound AND our home study would be complete! Saturday, December 11th was our scheduled trip and we were very excited! I told Carlie that every step we took like this one, felt like one step away from the "yuckiness" of this past year. Each step closer to our Red Fisch, was one step away from the losses we've experienced. This trip felt like a BIG step.

The Missouri state government cooperated, but Mother Nature did not. On Thursday, Brenda (our adoption agent from Abby's One True Gift) emailed me and told me that she thought we needed to reschedule our trip to Waukee. She told me that they are predicting strong winds, ice, and snow for the whole state of Iowa and she felt that it wasn't safe for her to travel her 80 mile round trip to the office. We were very disappointed but also understood. Carlie luckily had the day off on Friday and he would take care of mailing the application. We may not be able to travel to Iowa to complete the application process, but we wouldn't let the snow storm hinder this final step.

An Angel

For anyone who has been through the adoption process, you know that the reason things take so long to complete the home study are because of the numerous pieces of paperwork that you must wait on to be returned from the government…FBI, Highway Patrol, Family Care Registry…the list goes on. No matter how you send in these forms you have a 6-8 week turn around for your paperwork to be processed and returned. We knew this going into the process and were not too anxious about it.

During the first week of November, the receptionist for Dr. Heller (Christina) told me that she had completed most of our paperwork for the home study and was only waiting for one piece of paperwork from the Family Care Registry of Missouri. This is a background check that we were told would take the longest to come in, apparently they are running weeks behind schedule. I asked Christina if she thought the paperwork would be in and the home study complete by early December. Carlie and I were planning a trip to Iowa to turn in our application, contract, and home study to Abby’s One True Gift, the adoption agency we have chosen to work with. She assured me that it would be and that it would be safe to go ahead and schedule our trip.  I talked to Brenda at Abby’s One True Gift and she agreed to meet with us on a Saturday so that we wouldn’t have to take any days off work. We set our trip for Saturday, December 11^th and we were very excited!

About a week and a half before our trip, Dr. Heller called us one evening to tell us that our home study was complete. She talked to Carlie and told him that she’d like to fax us a copy for our review before she has the final copies notarized.  The first thing I said to Carlie when he got off the phone was, “So…I guess that last piece of paperwork came in?” He responded with an “I guess so.” We were so relieved that it all was coming together on time!

On the Monday before our trip (five days after Dr. Heller’s phone call), I got a call at work from Christina. She had a few last minute questions for me about childhood memories for the home study and then at the end of our phone conversation she said to me, “Oh, and we are still waiting on the background check from the Family Care Registry.” I was confused! Hadn’t Dr. Heller told us it was all ready?!?! Apparently not so much. She told me that she was faxing the final copy of the home study for us to review but could not notarize the final copy until the background check came in. She told me she would call them for me and find out about the status of our paperwork.

About an hour later she called me back with the words “I have some bad news.” She told me that apparently Carlie and I were one dollar short on each application fee and our paperwork had been sitting on someone’s desk and was not processed. In fact, it would be returned for us to fill out again and submit with the correct payment. What!?!?! I was not happy. I had turned in that paperwork eight weeks earlier! That payment had been short eight weeks earlier! Why had no one contacted me or mailed it all back to me EIGHT WEEKS AGO?!?!

My heart just sank. What were we going to do? A normal turn around was six to eight weeks and I still had to wait for our applications to be mailed back, resubmit them, and wait again. I immediately asked Christina for the number to the Family Care Registry. She suggested maybe I could pay the extra $2 over the phone.  When I called, the lady that answered the phone was a typical government operator – not rude, but definitely not kind, kind of gruff and in no way seemed interested in helping me! I found out pretty quickly that they were not set up to take credit card payments over the phone. Eventually I got a little desperate and I said to her, “We need this background check to complete an adoption application. It is the last piece of paperwork we need and we have a tripped planned on Saturday to go to Iowa and turn it all in. Is there anything I can do??” She said, “Well, hold on a minute.” I heard her typing, then I was on hold. I’m sitting in a little closet in the hallway at work, tapping my fingers on the table, knowing that there is nothing I can do and trying to figure out just how disappointed I’m going to let myself get. She came back on the phone and this is how our conversation went:

Her: Ma’am, did you and your husband both submit an application?

Me: Yes, but I mailed them in separately.

Her: And what is his social security number?

Me: (I told her.)

Her: Ok, I see both of your applications here. You filled out the old forms which is why your payment was a dollar short. (Since I like Dr. Heller so much, this didn’t make me as mad as you might think it would have!) This is what I can do. I can take one dollar from your application fee and put it towards your husband’s application and processh is application now. Then if you get online and fill out the registration form, it can be processed in 24 hours.

Me: What can be processed in 24 hours? The actual background check?

Her: Yes, we now have it online. It only takes 24 hours when you do it this way.

Me: Seriously? So if I go online and complete it, how long will it take for our adoption agent to get the paperwork for both of us.

Her: Well, do you think you can get online in the next ten minutes and fill it out?

Me: Yes, I can go in my classroom now and do it.

Her: If you can do that, I’ll wait here at my computer and watch for it to come through. When it does I’ll process it immediately and the letters will be mailed to you from Jeff City tomorrow morning.

Me: Are you serious? Thank you so much!

Her: I’ll call you back when I have your application.  (At this point, I really did not believe that a state worker would ACTUALLY call me back about this! So I say…)

Me: Can I have your name so if I don’t hear from you, I can call back and check on the status of all of this?

Her: We don’t give out our names. You can ask for Operator 11.

Me: I really can’t thank you enough!

I ran back to my classroom, effectually ignoring my class, and submitted the online application. You should know that the paper applications took filling out, copying for our records, addressing envelopes, postage, and getting two money orders from the bank. This online application took me two minutes and one extra dollar!!! Ah!  Within ten minutes, my cell phone rang. It was Operator 11 and our conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?

Operator 11: Katie, this is Operator 11 from the Family Care Registry. I have both of your processed background checks here. They have been processed and completed. They are both good background checks with a “no findings” result. The letters have been submitted and will leave through the US Mail tomorrow morning from Jeff City.

Me: (in tears) Operator 11, You. Are. An Angel! I can’t thank you enough!

Her: No problem.

Carlie was obviously aware of all of this going on. As soon as I hung up the phone, I called him and said….well, I screamed, “An angel just answered the phone at the Family Care Registry!” And I truly believe it. Operator 11 was an answer to prayer in a way that she may never truly understand. Because of her our home study would be completed on time and we could go to Iowa and complete this application process. She did not have to do that. She could have pointed me in the right direction and let me wait6-8 weeks like everyone else. I am truly grateful for that little act of kindness.

Maybe if you’ve never completed the home study process or if you’ve never dealt with trying to get paperwork completed from the government, you don’t really understand why this was such a big deal. But it is a big deal. It’s our own little miracle….government paperwork processed and mailed in a half of an hour. Now I just had to hope the US Postal Service cooperated as well!

Adoption Celebration

November is National Adoption Month. Last night Grace United Methodist church was holding an Adoption Celebration along with One Heart Ministries. We were invited to go by my parent's friends who are also in the process of adoption. We went to dinner first and then to the celebration. (Don't we always go out to dinner first?!?!? ;) For the record, we ate at Mi Ranchito off Olive Blvd.  ) I don't think Carlie and I knew exactly what to expect. I think we both have a desire to meet and socialize with people going through the same process as we are and this was really a great opportunity for us to experience this. 


The evening was enjoyable, but not what I had expected. It was a worship service to celebrate the process of adopting children...loving a child in need of a forever family. There was a couple that spoke about their international adoption, a single woman who spoke about her adoption through the foster care system, and a mother of a teenager who, along with her husband, were just starting their adoption process and were planning to go through the foster care system also. I really enjoyed listening to their stories and wished they had had more time to speak and that there had been more speakers to listen too. We noticed immediately that most of the people there were adopting through the state of Missouri, which is a very different process than what we are embarking on. We spoke quietly to each other about this before the service even began but we made a concerted effort to keep an open mind.  Although I DID notice this difference throughout the service, I also noticed one similarity...as I listened to the speakers and watched the families around me it was obvious that we may be adopting in a different way but we were adopting for the same reason that everyone else there had. They wanted to love a child and have a family. And so do we.


Last week Carlie and I were visiting my Aunt Patty. We were talking with her about the blog and about what we've been going through lately with all of the adoption stuff and she said something that has stuck with Carlie and me. (She doesn't even know this unless she's reading this right now!) We were telling her about the paperwork, phone calls, home visits, and decision making and she said "This is your labor. What you are going through right now is your labor." She was saying that we may not have monthly doctor visits or 15 hours of contractions but all of this "stuff" is our labor for our baby. We liked that and think it is a TERRIFIC way to look at this journey.  I feel like this Adoption Celebration, and other events we may attend like it, are an important part to our "adoption labor". I hope that we can find some that focus on private adoptions or at least present us with the opportunity to hear some stories of families that adopted privately, without the assistance from the state. 

Home Visit

We had our home visit today.  It was much more low-key than I had anticipated! Dr. Heller arrived around 8:15 a.m. and took a tour of our house. Carlie and I are well aware that a house with more than one lofted master bedroom would be better for a baby (hence, why we are trying to sell it!) and I think we were both a little nervous that she might feel the same way. But we were wrong! Dr. Heller really seemed to like our place. She went on and on about how clean it was (Really? Do people let her visit when their homes are anything BUT clean!?!?!), called it “homey”, and loved our four big windows in our bedroom.  At one point, Carlie asked her how we would handle the home study document if we did sell our place and buy a new home before the adoption was complete. In the midst of answering his question, she mentioned that if we lived in a big city, we would probably be living in an apartment and our place is just like that. I had never thought of it that way…and it made me feel a little better!

 Can I just brag on my dog for minute? She did SOOO good! Dr. Heller not only arrived in all black (hello! I have a GOLDEN RETRIEVER! She is a hair shedding machine!) but also told us she is allergic to dogs. My first thought was “oh, no!”.  But she wanted to pet Macy and say Hello to her. After she did I told Macy to go upstairs and get in her bed…and she did without hesitation! She stayed in her bed or at the top of the stairs the entire time Dr. Heller was here. Of course, at one point she peeked at us over the loft…but that was just cute!  She thumped her tail most of the time on the floor, which Dr. Heller found endearing, but other than that it would have been easy to forget she was even here. Dr. Heller commented on her sweet nature, how cute she is, and how she knows she will be so good with a baby. I couldn’t agree more! I told Dr. Heller that I secretly hoped that one day Macy would be the kind of dog that sleeps under out baby’s crib at night, protecting him.

After the tour, the three of us sat down at the table to go over the paperwork. She looked through it all quickly, only glancing at most pages, sometimes reading some. It was all so informal. She told us that they would begin compiling the information on Monday of next week and would call us if they had any questions.   We sat and talked for about thirty minutes. Carlie and I had some questions to ask her in regards to our application for the adoption agency, but we also just talked with her about the books I’ve been reading and other adoption related “stuff”. She told us that just last week she was presented with a Caucasian birth mother and (this is in her words) “if I hadn’t found out she was on meth, I would have called you guys.” What?!?! How crazy is that? I mean, I realize we don’t want a baby born addicted to meth, and thank goodness for Dr. Heller and her discernment…but…she could have called us last week?!?!? Wow. It was kind of glimpse into just how quickly this could happen for us. She started telling us about cute boutique type baby stores around town that we should go to. I kind of told her that we didn’t want to jump in too quickly, that being in stores like that might make us (me) a little TOO excited, when I feel like we need to be cautiously optimistic at this point. But, Dr. Heller said “Well, you are going to adopt a baby. That is going to happen eventually.” Wow! That was so encouraging! And she’s right. We don’t know when but do know that it WILL happen.

So, the home visit is complete. There is nothing more we can do except mail off the application and completed home study document when Dr. Heller completes and notarizes it. She thinks she will be done right before or right after Thanksgiving. Carlie and I are planning to mail off the application as soon as we get the home study and then plan to drive to Iowa to meet with the adoption agent that we have been working with. We are one step away from just sitting back and waiting for the phone call. I can’t imagine what that will feel like to hear the phone ring and get “the call”….

Home Visit Approaching

We have our home visit on Tuesday morning and we are very excited! Dr. Heller is visiting our home at 8:00 a.m. She’s coming to get all of the paperwork that we have labored to put together and to check things out. I’m excited to show her our home and hope that she will be pleased with what she sees. I bought a new coffee maker yesterday, baked pumpkin bread today, and boiled some spiced apple cider. I want to be sure Dr. Heller feels at home when she arrives. Yesterday, Carlie installed a few extra smoke alarms (and we won’t mention the one in the kitchen!), we placed fire extinguishers on each floor of the house, Macy was groomed, and cleaning is on the agenda for tomorrow. This is the last step in the home study process. It will take Dr. Heller a few weeks to type up and notarize the home study document then, we will be able to finally submit our application to the adoption agency. One more step closer!

Testing my handyman skills?

We adoptive parents go through a lot "hoops" to prove we can be suitable parents. Rightly so. I can’t imagine the amount of faith the birthmother will place in us to take good care of the life she is entrusting to us. All of the requirements make a lot of sense. Two stuck out to me as kind of funny. Fire extinguishers and smoke detectors. Yep. Our townhome must have a fire extinguisher and smoke detector on each level before Dr. Heller can sign off that we’re ready to receive a baby. Now I know this improves the safety level of our home, but as I was working on this beautiful fall day to install the smoke detectors, I wondered if there was a funny hidden agenda behind this task. I chuckled thinking maybe the “powers that be” wanted to test my handyman skills. Now, I have participated in several home remodeling projects in my life, and so I know that installing a smoke detector is near the bottom of the list when it comes to needed handyman skills. However, I’m sure there are some guys out there who start sweating at the thought of picking up a drill, a level (anal retentive much?), and a hammer to install a smoke detector. Maybe this task is there to separate some of us? Maybe I’m just being a bit silly. Our house is now prepared to alert us of impending danger due to fire. Should any of those alarms go off, I’ll have one of our three new fire extinguishers ready. Should the time ever come, I’ll have to draw from a fireman hidden deep within me. Let’s just say, no fire stands a chance!

On the way home from my parent's farm we read line for line Abby's One True Gift's legal adoption agreement to ensure we understood it. I am SO glad I never decided to become a lawyer!

What I Didn't Learn From a Book

As we began this journey, I felt pretty uneducated about the whole process. As we’ve pretty much gotten through the “paperwork” stage of the adoption process, I now find myself thinking of the little RedFisch that will enter our lives within the next year. And although I don’t know all that lies ahead, I have worked with children long enough to know that as parents of an adopted child we will face challenges and have responsibilities to our child that biological parents do not have to their biological children. But how do I learn of these responsibilities? How do I prepare to the best of my abilities? I started looking for a book (I really didn’t know where else to look!). I just wanted to gain as much information as I could. After looking for awhile for a book that sounded right for my needs at this moment (I had to go online… it is down right surprising how FEW books places like Barnes and Noble and Borders have on adoption!) I decided upon a book called Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. As soon as I got the book, I opened it and read through the table of contents. The look of dismay HAD to have been apparent on my face! It had chapters with titles like “If I Don’t Grieve My Loss My Ability to Receive Love From You and Others Will Be Hindered”, “My Unresolved Grief May Surface in Anger Toward You”, and “When I Act Out My Fears in Obnoxious Ways, Please Hang In There With Me and Respond Wisely”. Um…Yikes.  I shared the titles of the 22 chapters with Carlie. I got about halfway through the list and he interrupted me and said, “This has to be for kids adopted later in life, right?” I kind of laughed and told him I had thought the same thing!

I began reading the book and got two or three chapters in during my first sitting. I have to be honest and say that this book was leaving me with a feeling of dread. It was so negative and so very dramatic, I was beginning to since a layer of worry and fret developing in my heart. I put the book aside for awhile. When I picked it up again, I thought to myself…this has to get better! Adoption is a beautiful thing! Loving a child, being given a child who will complete our family and make it whole…how can this produce such terrible feelings?!?!?  Well, this time I read through chapter five and I just stopped. The author of the book had been adopted at 10 days old in 1940. She seemed to be generalizing her situation and her personal reaction to adoption to every child who ever has been or ever will be adopted. It was distressing! I mean, I knew that adopted children would have special needs and all I was trying to do was learn all that I could about this. But what this book was describing, what it was suggesting was that my little RedFisch did not stand a chance to feel happy and loved and secure and content.  Those are my dreams for our RedFisch. Was it not going to be possible for us?

I decided to get on Amazon and read some of the reviews for this book. (Now some of you, as my husband did, will ask me…Katie, why didn’t you do this BEFORE you bought the book? Good question.) These reviews were music to my ears…or eyes I guess! Review after review echoed the same thoughts I had had about this author and her book! I bet I read thirty reviews and all but 1 of them gave this book only one star (one reviewer even started her review by saying that she would give this book zero stars if it was an option!). Many reviews were from adoptees who were now adoptive parents and stated that their childhoods were wonderful, happy times and they loved their adoptive families very much. Phew! Review after review had me breathing just a little easier!  I decided that it was time to trust my gut instinct and putting this book on my shelf. 

Why not just get rid of it? Well, I do believe it is possible that our little RedFisch may struggle with the loss of his birth parents and may act out due to that grief. I also recognize that no matter how hard Carlie and I try, no matter how much love fills our home, and no matter how open we are with our child about her adoption, she may still have pain that we can’t erase. IF that time comes, this book may be a very good resource for Carlie and myself.

The five chapters of this book and the thirty plus reviews that I read from readers of this book taught me two things. One, it is imperative that Carlie and I create an atmosphere of openness and communication with our RedFisch about their adoption, while at the same time making him feel loved and secure in our family. And two, that books may not be the place to find all the answers on how to navigate this journey. I’m not sure where I will find them, and knowing myself I will keep looking, but for now I will pray for God’s timing and blessing on our journey and let Him take us where were are supposed to go.

The Name Game

If you could have been on the car ride with Carlie and I last night (headed to the farm to see Carlie’s parents) you would have been witness to the little bit of hope that has crept back into our lives. We spent at least an hour talking about baby names.  We have a name for a girl picked out, decided upon, and in love with. But this boy name business is tripping us up! We laughed at the funny combinations we thought of (mostly from Carlie…he’s quite partial to old man names it seems!) and pondered middle names with first names.  We looked through baby name apps on our phones and through our friend list on Facebook. I texted my mom numerous ideas, most of which she really liked…although one idea got the response of “not so much”.  Guess she can’t like them all!  By the time we drove through Sedalia, Carlie was using names on fast food restaurant signs and road signs as inspirations….let’s just say those names didn’t make the list at all!

I laid in bed last night and thought to myself, “that conversation shows the hope we have that the baby we are waiting for is on its way.” We started this conversation once during my first pregnancy…but obviously it was off-limits for awhile now. Talking about names is not something you discuss when your confidence in having a baby is so low. But now….it doesn’t feel like a matter of “if” it feels like just a matter of “when”.

And….just for the really curious out there….we have two top choices picked out for a boy! But no…we won’t share them with you! 

Home Study Paperwork

When we first met Dr. Heller, one of our big questions was how the home study works and what it entails. She summarized the process then told us a story. She told us that at this time of year, between Halloween and Christmas, adoptive couples like Carlie and I often slack on their home study paperwork. She told us that because of the hectic schedule people have during the holidays, they often put their paperwork on hold but people don’t stop having babies.  I heard her LOUD and CLEAR! Babies being born and not as many people able to adopt?? Sign us up!
 I have never been so motivated to get paperwork done in my life!  And this gives a WHOLE new meaning for me to the term “paperwork”.   Let me share the list of items that we had to get together to  complete the home study:

- resume from both

- autobiography from both

- letter from our banks stating we are customers in good standing,

 the types of accounts  we have and the balance of each account

- letter from our  doctors stating that we are in good health and

 free of any infectious  diseases, specifically HIV

- letter from our vet (yes, a referral letter from my dog’s doctor!) stating that Macy was gentle and current on shots

- a 7-page “Get To Know You” sheet from both (and this asked some personal stuff!)

- certified copies of our birth certificates (this was stupidly expensive)

- statements proving our financial stability, including copies of last year 1040s

- 6 reference letters (to quote Dr. Heller "you need 6 reference letters...but you could turn in 20!)

- copies of our driver’s licenses and social security cards

- MO State Highway Patrol Criminal Background Check

- FBI Child Abuse Screening (which included getting our fingerprinting done)

- outline of our home, including placement of furniture, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers

- Employment Verification Letter from each of our employers (including current salary)

- Financial worksheet (listing ALL of our assets and liabilities)

I think that’s all of it…

I attacked this chore with a vengeance!  I understand that we may have to wait for a baby until a birth mother picks us but I did not understand us waiting any longer because we can’t get appointments made, letters requested, and copies made.  If you know me at all, you can probably guess that getting this paperwork organized and executed properly is right up my alley! Twelve hours later I was on the phone making appointments, requesting letters, and sending emails. I worked on it nightly. Organizing the papers, checking off items on the list…feeling that right now this was the only thing I could do to get our baby so I did it with joy and with gusto!

Three weeks after being given our home study paperwork assignment, I sat on our living room floor and made copies of each piece of paperwork required for our records.  We had completed it all (well, Carlie still had is autobiography and doctor’s appointment to complete, but I trusted him to get those done on time!). I called Dr. Heller’s office and scheduled our home visit, the final step in the home study requirements.

We were warned that this paperwork would feel very intrusive. I suppose when you look at and think about all they are asking from us it IS a lot. But Carlie and I never once complained about it or felt that it was too personal or invasive. Every paper we filed, letter we requested, question we answered, appointment we went to, or paper that we copied felt like a step closer to meeting our baby. And that thought alone made it easy.

Three more reference letters...

We called my (Carlie’s) parents one evening to ask them to write a reference letter for us. Of course my parents were supportive and agreed. Within 48 hours my Mom had the letter written and mailed. I remember stressing initially about telling my parents that Katie and I would be adopting. How would they react? Would they tell us to be patient and keep trying even though we didn’t want to? Would they and the rest of the family accept an adopted child the same as a biological child? My family doesn’t have anyone close in relation who has adopted, so this process was going to be as new and foreign to them as it was to us. Every call I made home to my Mom and Dad showed me again and again the type of people they have always been. I should have never stressed. They were honest, supportive of our decision, and reminded both Katie and I that it didn’t matter what other people thought. This was our lives and we had to do what was best for us.

One thing you need to know about Rich Hill, is news travels fast. Superfast. I believe the internet couldn’t compete to how information is disseminated in my home town. Within a few days, we had already received a message from my cousin Valerie saying she had heard the news, and that she was excited for us. RedFisch will be welcomed into the Fischer family the same as he or she was our own biological child.

Shortly after asking my Mom and Dad for a reference letter, we made similar calls to Uncle Richard and Aunt Denise, and Uncle Ivan and Aunt Anita. All family reference letters have been requested now. Three more things off the list.

Tonight I read my first children's book on adoption. "Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born." Someday, I will read it to my new son or daughter!

Which agency is which?

There are A LOT of ways to adopt a child. There are so many different ways I am having a hard time beginning the list! I spent a lot of time reading on the subject. It seemed our first decision was if we wanted a public or private adoption. I read a statistic from my very large adoption book, The Complete Adoption Book, Everything You Need to Know to Adoption a Child by Laura Beauvais-Godwin and Raymond Godwin, that 80% of Caucasian infant adoptions take place through private adoptions. This little tidbit of information caused us to sway in the direction of a private adoption.

THE book!

Now that this decision was made, we jumped head first into the 101 other decisions to make! One of these decisions was picking the right agency for us. We really did not even know where to begin. As I have said, no one we knew had ever adopted (Well, my parents and some friends told us of couples they knew who were adopting but one couple was going through the foster care system because they did not mind adopting older children and the other was going international…so their knowledge of the adoption process really wouldn’t help us.) so we didn’t have any advice to fall back on.  So we experienced the yet another feeling of gratefulness for Dr. Heller. We asked her for recommendations of agencies that she has worked with and trusts. She not only suggested a few agencies, but said “I have four agencies I want you to call.” Carlie had the notepad – he’s better at taking notes during those meetings than I am – so he wrote down each name and number of the agencies she suggested.

I started calling the next day. Each agency was in a different state.  California, Arizona, Iowa, and Florida. I was eager to talk to them. I didn’t even know what I was eager for! I knew I wasn’t signing up for a baby with this phone call. I realized that there was still SO much to do. But making these calls made me feel connected to the process that would bring us a baby and make us a family. When a woman is pregnant, going in for an ultrasound is exciting because it makes you feel connected to that little baby growing inside of you before you can feel it or see it. By the end of the third pregnancy, ultrasounds only produced more anxiety and more fear for me. Ultrasounds for me were the tools that told me my baby’s heartbeat, that I heard and seen so strongly, was no longer there. Making these phone calls was like an ultrasound appointment…a tool that made me feel connected to this process of getting a baby.

Prior to making the calls I reviewed the list of questions that Dr. Heller and given us to ask each agency. I also got online and checked out each agency’s web site. I wanted to read what I could before speaking with the agency. One thing that stuck out to me, something I had not expected, was that three of the four agencies had 800 numbers that could be called 24 hours a day by birth mothers who were looking to give their baby up for adoption. I remember just staring at the first number I saw thinking….wow, this is really happening!

The first call went nowhere. It was in California. They wouldn’t be open until the middle of my work day so I would not be able to call until after school. I was disappointed!  The second call was to an agency in Florida. They were open, but I only talked to an operator who took my name and number from me and said an adoption agent would call me back. (No one ever did call me back, just for the record.)  The third phone call was to an agency in Iowa. I spoke with Brenda, one of their adoption agents. She seemed excited to hear from me. (Which I totally realize it’s her job to be excited to hear from me but at that time, it meant something to me to hear enthusiasm in her voice.) I spoke with Brenda for thirty minutes. She had a lot of questions for me, told me stories of adoptions they’ve done in the past, and answered all of my questions. When I got off the phone, I felt plugged into this adoption process. I was excited to share all that I had learned with Carlie, and hoped that I had written everything down correctly!  The fourth phone call was the one I had been waiting to make. I LOVED the name of the agency! (At this point I’m refraining from naming the agencies…sorry! I’m waiting until our application is accepted and we are official “clients” of the named agency.) I just KNEW this agency would be for us. The website was adorable, the name struck a chord with me, I could just FEEL it in my bones that this would be the one for us…. I was wrong. I again spoke with an operator who took my name BUT did patch me through right away. But the agent was not interested in talking with me. She wanted to send me a packet and have me read over everything before we talked. When I ventured to ask a question, she literally cut me off and said “I’ll send the packet out today. It will answer any questions you might have.” Ok, then. I spent around 90 minutes working on these calls and only one had felt right…and it wasn’t they one I thought it was going to be! If you know me at all, you’ll understand why I wasn’t ready to reconcile the fact that the agency I THOUGHT would be right, was not the one that felt right in the end.  I figured I’d talk to Carlie about it, think and pray on it a little bit, and make our decision later.

That night I was reading more from my book. It was about choosing the right agency for you, giving me tips and hints when talking with agencies (Dr. Heller and also covered this), explaining things that adoptive parents need to look for in an agency that differs from what a birth mother should look for. Great reading for me after the morning I’d had on the phone!  Then, near the end, the author concludes the chapter by saying that it’s important to “go with your instincts” when choosing an agency. If one does not feel right to you or does not talk with me as much as you would like, then it may not be the right on for you. I couldn’t believe this book was saying the exact same thing I had been thinking all day! This information and my gut feeling, plus Carlie’s approval on the matter, led us to choose the agency in Iowa for our adoption. Very exciting! I called Brenda the next day and told her that we’d like an application. One step closer.

Sugo's

Sugo’s is aweome. Best bread and salad I think I’ve ever had. I had spaghetti and meatballs. Katie has her standard Italian favorite – cannelloni. I could definitely see us eating here again.

Signing the dotted line…

On September 29th, Katie and I made our second trip to Dr. Heller’s office. This time we would be signing a contract with her, and paying her to begin the home study process. Traffic is always backed up on Olive during rush hour, but for some reason today it was an easy commute. Katie had beat me there, of course. As we made our way to the office I remember being anxious. I like to fret about every little decision we make…especially any one that involved money. This was by far the biggest decision we had ever made, and probably ever will make. I knew it was the right decision. So did Katie. One more step in this exciting journey. Dr. Heller’s waiting room and office is decorated very eclectically. Just like the first visit, we walked into the waiting room and had a seat. There was no one to tell we were there - so we just wait. Pretty soon, Dr. Heller comes out, shakes our hands and invites us into her office. Here we go… Katie and I take a seat on the couch across from her. Because she’s primarily a psychologist, I find myself being quieter than I normally would in situations where I meet a new person. I remember thinking…she’s going to analyze me and think I am not suitable to adopt. This meeting is pretty formal though. She hands us the two page contract and we read through it line by line to make sure Katie and I are comfortable and understand what it means. This meeting also goes through the checklist of items that we will need to provide Dr. Heller when she comes to visit our home. Wow, there is a lot of stuff. Dr. appointments, HIV tests, FBI background checks, get-to-know you sheets, auto biographies, and reference letters. I know it will take forever, but I know that Katie is the kind of person who already has that planned out in her head. She’s very good about getting things like this done. Where I will procrastinate until the last minute, she’ll have all the ducks lined up the next day. During the meeting I get a little loosened up and crack some joke while talking about public schools vs. private schools. Hoping it will show Dr. Heller I’m fun. I think it went something like, “I went to public school, and look how great I turned out.” By the end of the meeting we were well on our way and strengthening our relationship with Dr. Heller. She gave us some tips on good cooking stores in St. Louis. All of us expressed our sadness to see the Viking Store in Brentwood close, but Dr. Heller had some excellent substitutes for this void in our lives! We also learned we seem to share with Dr. Heller a love of good food and dining out. Katie and I had planned on trying Granite City Brewery after we left her office, but she advised us to try Sugo’s instead. Sugo’s, an Italian place North of Frontenac plaza is apparently an “extension of her kitchen.” We told her we’d give it a try. We offered up the suggestion of the best Mexican restaurant north of the U.S.\Mexico border – La Carretta. La Carretta is an extension of our kitchen. As we drive towards Sugo’s for dinner we discuss who we will ask for reference letters. We even got three things checked off. Steve and Judy, Dan and Wendy, and Uncle Rich and Aunt Patty agree to write us recommendation letters. We’ll send them further details tomorrow via email. I told you Katie was good at getting things done.

God answers prayers HIS way....not ours!

As we wrestled over this decision – not IF to adopt, but how to go about finding a birth mother- we kept praying “Can You please just send us a sign?”  “Can You please just make it clear what to do?” It’s funny how God can send you a message, so clearly, but you just don’t see it for what it is right away.

After three miscarriages, the medical world finally looks up, notices you, and extends its hand to help. Tests are all of a sudden paid for, specialists look at you as worth their time…3 is the magic number. (My doctor- who I absolutely LOVE- actually said to me “Well, at least now you’ve had three and insurance will actually pay for things.” Lucky  me.) So I agreed to undergo the obligatory blood work for the procedural round of tests.  But, oddly, we weren’t focused on the outcome of these tests. We were focused on our decision to adopt. We were tired of the heartache and stress that pregnancy had brought to our doorstep and saw adoption as the way to get our little RedFisch. But again…we were wrestling with what path to take and how strongly to follow that path. Honestly, at this point, we had different opinions on the subject. But we both knew that this decision was something that we had to come to an agreement on. We had to wait to take any actions until we were BOTH comfortable with the decision we made.

The answer came one day when our phone rang. The doctor delivered some “news” to us that we were not expecting…at all. Even after all we had been through, this “news” really surprised. It was sad, confusing, unexpected, and definitive. As we began to deal with what this “news “ meant to us as a couple, as a family, and as individuals we realized that we had gotten EXACTLY what we had asked for…a clear answer from God, directing us towards the path we were to take. That revelation was freeing and gave us confidence in our the decision to put all of our hope, attention, energy, and money into doing whatever we needed to do (all THREE of Dr. Heller’s options!) into action.  

Meeting Dr. Heller

      On Monday, September 13^th, 2010 we had our first meeting with Dr. Hope Heller. The purpose of the appointment was to get information on the adoption process and how she could help us through that process. I (Katie) had been reading a lot about private adoptions versus a large, national agency and we were really leaning towards the private adoption route.  But we wanted to be informed and responsible about this decision so we had also made an appointment with Lutheran Children and Family Services, scheduled for a few days later.

      We arrived armed with pen and paper to take lots of notes on whatever it was that Dr. Heller had to tell us. This was weirdly exciting! Looking back on that day, it felt like the first step in the journey to finding RedFisch. We had so many questions and uncertainties when we walked into Dr. Heller’s office and right from the get go she put us at ease. She told us about international versus domestic (we knew we wanted domestic already), financial necessities needed to adopt (really?!?!), stories of happily adopted children (so much hope!), the home-study process we would follow if we chose to work with her, and four agencies that she would like us to call and talk with. We left her office with pages of information but our step was just a little lighter and for the first time in many, many months I felt just a little bit of hope.

       We left her office, went to a Houlihan’s and talked. Talked. And talked. And talked. There was so much to talk about! There was one thing that we were sure of…we really liked Dr. Heller. We trusted her to do our home study and felt that she would be able to give us good guidance while on this journey when we found ourselves with questions or in need of advice. We agreed that we didn’t even feel like we wanted to meet with any other agency. We would go through Dr. Heller. The journey had begun the minute we walked into her office and we didn’t even know it!

Every story starts with Chapter One

This blog is dedicated to our story of finding Red Fisch. :) (Read blog #1 for that story!)  But our story did not begin with this search. Our story began 10 months ago, when we found out we were pregnant for the first time. It was early December 2009 when we found out and we were very excited! We had not been trying for very long and felt kind of proud of ourselves. We told only a few select people and planned big surprises for the soon-to-be grandparents on Christmas morning. We bought t-shirts that said "Proud to be Grandma/Grandpa" and wrapped them up for our parents to open as a surprise.

          In early, January, two weeks after telling the grandparents and three days after announcing it to our friends (great time, huh?), we discovered that the baby was measuring small for its gestational age and the doctor was concerned. That is NOT what you want to hear at your very first ultrasound appointment! 

         The doctor, as unhappy as I was about it, was right. The baby was small because it was not going to make it. Two weeks after that first appointment, I miscarried. It was so sad for us, such a shock, such heartache that we didn’t know we could feel. Trying to convey the feelings that surfaced during that time would be impossible. So I won’t try. J

        Five weeks later, and a HUGE surprise to us….umm, we were a BIT naïve…I found out I was pregnant again. For me, there wasn’t much happiness in this pregnancy. I was more worried and anxious, then excited and happy. I had read the statistics and heard the encouragements from doctors and family, but every twinge, every hour without a symptom was just another thing for me to fret over. At 9 weeks, the fretting ended because the pregnancy ended. I was two for two. There isn’t much doctors do for you yet at two miscarriages. Some blood work, extra ultrasounds, but not much else.

         It was at this time that I brought up adoption to Carlie for the first time. I realize that many women work for years and years to have their own baby. But after two miscarriages, two D&Cs, countless blood tests, over 10 ultrasounds, and more visits to my doctor than I can count I already knew that I was not interested in the tests and procedures that might be necessary to get me pregnant and KEEP me pregnant. I just want to be a mom. I want Carlie to be a dad. And at this point, I already knew that having a baby, loving a baby, sharing that experience with Carlie was more important to me than carrying my own child in my belly.

          BUT….I was not ready to give up. Doctors could not identify anything wrong with me so we agreed to try again. In July of that same year, we found out we were pregnant again. (Kind of relieved to know that three pregnancies in one year meant GETTING pregnant was not going to be a problem for us!) Unfortunately, on August 16^th, I had my third miscarriage. Quotes such as “third times a charm” and “strike 3!” will have a new meaning for me from now on. But this third miscarriage was not all sadness and despair for Carlie and I. Three miscarriages in less than a year was enough to convince us that we were ready to do some research on domestic adoption and find out what it would entail. 

            I’m a reader and so the first thing I did was buy a book on adoption. I wanted to know about the process. Who should I call? How do I know what to ask? It was all foreign to us. We don’t know anyone close to us who has adopted and so were on our own to learn the ins and outs of such a huge decision. After many reading many chapters in my book, sites on the internet, inquiring phone calls, and conversations with friends we found ourselves sitting in Dr. Hope Heller’s office. And the journey began…

And so it begins...

When I [Carlie] think about my family, I envision a family of four. Several years from now, my family will be driving around town in our vehicles. I can’t say where we’ll be going or where we’ll be coming from. I have this vision though that family and friends will recognize us as we drive by when they see our license plates. Mine - OneFish. Katie’s - TwoFish. Our children’s will read RedFish and BluFish. Of course, I had to be a bit creative to limit the idea to seven characters so they would fit on a license plate. In a perfect world, it would be RedFisch, BlueFisch, etc. It is my thought that our personalized license plates, inspired by Dr. Seuss and our surname, would tie us together as a family that enjoys life like only Dr. Seuss could.

Katie and I are now two years into our marriage and we are patiently waiting for RedFish, our first child. We are currently in the beginning stages of the adoption process. We look forward to meeting RedFish. This blog will document our story.